During my freshman year of high school, I developed my first real crush.
I remember constantly trying to wear the things I thought he would like. I remember only talking to him about things that interested him. I fretted over lunch time, anxiously wondering when he would sit next to me. I spent nights at home asking my friends if they thought he liked me and only feeling better for a second when they said “probably”. Turns out, he never liked me in the first place and chose a friend over me. After that, I remember crying during Thanksgiving break and moping around my house.
Flash forward and I was still doing the same thing in college: wondering what happened and what I did wrong. During these years, I developed a few crushes that ended up fizzling out before it even began. I remember feeling elated every time these boys would text me, but an hour later feeling the anxiety set in if I didn’t receive a follow up text. I remember double texting in a desperate attempt to get their attention and having it fail every single time. Truth be told, I knew these boys didn’t really care about me. I felt embarrassed for myself. I chased these boys like they were a lifeline I could cling onto. I chased them thinking they were chasing me too. But, it turns out the boys you have to chase are the ones that aren’t worth chasing.
Thinking back on it, all of my life so far, I have let boys set my self-esteem and self-worth for me. And for what? For miserable nights picking out every flaw I thought they saw on me? For more miserable nights picking apart our conversations?
Time and time again we let these boys make us feel unlovable and make us feel like we aren’t so great. We let these boys make us feel so unworthy to the point comes where we don’t even want to look at ourselves in the mirror. And I’m done. I’m not going to settle for a boy who doesn’t care about me. I’m not going to settle for a boy who only likes the way I look. I’m not going to agonize over a text message or lack of one. I’m not going to lose sleep over someone who isn’t all in. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not just to impress a mediocre boy who pretends to be a man. And I sure as hell am not going to chase him.