Maybe relocating your heart and soul every few months for a job, or school, or simply travel has become a normal part of your routine. When you move around a lot, you start to realize how painful it is to constantly say goodbye.
So you figure out how to make it easier for yourself and get rid of the word “goodbye.” You start to shy away from romantic interests and treat any relationship as a “fun fling” in your head, even if you didn’t actually mean to give it that label. Or maybe you do fully indulge in the comforts of a relationship, but you live solely in the moment and never let your train of thought wander much further than a month or two in the future. There’s never been thoughts of “next year we can do this together” or “I can’t wait to celebrate five years together with you.” It’s more like, “Let’s go to this concert next week” or even “Come visit my hometown! It’ll be fun! No pressure, DON’T THINK THIS IS FOREVER.”
Maybe your longest relationship was a few months or a few weeks or simply nonexistent. Maybe you’ve been single more often than you’ve been tied up with someone throughout your dating career. Maybe being solo is scary for you, or maybe you celebrate your aloneness.
But by now, being single has become intoxicating. You used to think it was lonely, but now you’re addicted to your power, your strength, your courage, your willingness to seek your truth on your own terms. Your ability to stumble, cry, and still find the strength to pick yourself up when you’re on the ground. You wipe your own tears. You make your own cups of tea when you have a cold. You plan your own dream vacations. You take yourself out to your own favorite lunch and buy yourself nice cups of coffee. You pick out your own jewelry, coordinate your outfits with your personality and not someone’s tie, and wear your hair wild because it makes you feel free.
You realize you’ve become addicted to your completeness and being your own shoulder to cry on. In fact, you’re so addicted that you wonder if you’ll ever be able to celebrate your completeness with somebody else, because you don’t know how to be complete and still need something from someone. You’re so good at asking yourself what you want and stumbling through life trying to figure that out that you wouldn’t know how to do it with someone by your side. You give yourself advice, soothe your own nerves, and dream insane dreams. You’re worried that having someone else to talk to in a real relationship would sway your own heart beat.
You tell yourself, maybe I just don’t understand how romantic love really feels. You still feel all of the other kinds of love. You know that there is love around you every day, even if you ignore it occasionally. It’s in your friendships, in your family and in the wild natural world you see around you. It’s in your own spirit, in your laughter and in that underlying sense of peace that’s always there when you choose to forget about everything else. But you don’t feel it in that traditional romantic way.
And you know what? You’re SO OKAY WITH IT! Because you follow your own weird and unique path, and right now, it’s leading you on the journey of a lifetime.
You know you won’t close yourself off from romantic love. You want to know what it really feels like to be in love. But in the end, you are most in love with yourself.