I Lost You But Gained Myself Back

Ashton Bingham
Ashton Bingham

I lost you, but I gained myself…and I’m truly okay with that.

You were a love I’d never felt. One that made me feel worthy again. A love that motivated me to be better, to do better. A love that inspired me, that showed the light in my life I was to blind to see. A love that felt powerful enough to erase past heartbreak and heal my hope again. A love I didn’t expect, one that showed up when I wasn’t looking. You were a love that healed.

You were a love full of lessons. A love that taught me things, challenged me, pushed me and tested me. A love built on questions, what ifs and why nots. A love that exposed me to sides of myself I didn’t know lived, that guided me to find worth I didn’t know I had.

You were a love that taught.

You were a love that confused me. Left me contemplating my own thoughts and beliefs. The kind of love that forces you to feel, to stand in its true raw beauty and wade through the emotions. A love that felt so purposeful yet so conflicting. A love that evolved.

You were a love that served me. The kind that you know will change you forever. The kind that leaves you completely different than what you once were. A love that never holds regret, for no matter how it ended it served a beautiful and necessary purpose for the moment. A love that ended.

You were a love that left. A love that evaporated. A love that hurt.

And when you did, all that was left was the waves of confusion, the love that challenged; tested and pushed me was gone and all that was left was me.

I was left to stand raw and exposed in the harsh reality of the emotions swimming beneath me. Feeling them wash over me, again and again with no life guard in sight.

But this time I didn’t struggle, for once I didn’t fight them, I surrendered. I allowed the waves to take me one by one out to sea, and float as they carried me through. I let myself cry, sob tears so heavy and long my body ached under their weight. I allowed myself to scream, to throw, to punch, to curse your name, to feel the fire within my being and allow it to bubble free. I encouraged myself to release the regret, the guilt, the what ifs, setting them free to friends and loved ones ears. I let myself feel. Truly feel.

It was hard, losing you, it was. My body missed yours. It craved your skin kissing it sweet comfort during the night. My heart felt heavy, alone, abandoned. I wasn’t sure how to move on. Part of me wondered if I ever will completely let go. All my previous beliefs and fears surfaced, but they rose for a reason. They showed me, reminded me again, that in life things come and go. Nothing is forever, and the more I can learn to ride the waves of emotion, to see them for the benefit they bring, the better life I can lead.

Over time I have realized, I lost you but I gained myself. Without losing you, I wouldn’t have found the woman before me today….and I’m actually okay with that.

Without losing you I wouldn’t have forced myself to feel, to encourage the emotions I once ran from to surface, to feel the weight of tears or bursting energy of anger. I wouldn’t have shown myself it is okay to feel, to stand true in the thoughts of my mind. I wouldn’t have detached from the stories I tell of my feelings and just waved hello and set them free. Without losing you I wouldn’t have felt.

Without losing you I wouldn’t have the courage to stand in my voice and ask for what I want. I would have kept playing small and ignoring my inner self begging to be set free. I would have continued to send myself crazy, avoiding the voice I knew needed to be shared. I wouldn’t have been forced to stand on my own again and embrace the fear of this, turning it into courage and confidence. Without losing you, I wouldn’t have spoken.

Without losing you I wouldn’t be so aware. Going through heartbreak and feeling emotions I once ignored forced me to be aware of what happens in my mind. I wouldn’t have seen the power of this or understood the potential outcomes. I wouldn’t choose to see my every day with awareness and curiosity as I do now. I wouldn’t understand myself the way I do now.

Without losing you I wouldn’t understand.

Without losing you, I wouldn’t be me. I have never felt more in touch with my true self than I do standing today. Without losing you I wouldn’t have the space and time to learn about myself, to delve deeper into the crevices of my likes, dislikes, my soul. I wouldn’t have the self worth to comfortably invest in who I am and know I am worthy of the space and time. Without losing you I wouldn’t be me.

You were a love I needed, a love that healed, a love that truly served. A love that I will always hold dearly. But losing you, I am grateful for. I am okay with it. I needed it. Losing you gave me me, and that was a beautiful gift to be given. TC mark

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