1. The Musician
Before I’d even taken a sip of my cocktail, this hip hop/heavy metal fusion band member had launched into an elaborate speech about how ready he was to settle down and was on the hunt for a girlfriend, which, you know, is always a great tactic to make a girl feel special.
After 20 excruciating minutes of him graphically detailing his previous “shagging on a tour bus” days and describing his perfect girl (who incidentally was nothing like me or anyone who actually exists), it was clear we weren’t going to be the best match. Luckily we had a mutual love of tequila and proceeded to get totally inebriated whilst I tried to set him up with other girls who would be more suitable.
In fact he still owes me a round of drinks, the bastard.
2. The Toilet Hugger
I mean, you’ve probably already guessed how this date ended. Essentially the boy couldn’t handle his Jäger and ended up being sick for 40 minutes before almost passing out and having to be piled in a taxi.
Over the next 48 hours he sent me over 40 text messages ranging from “We’d be great together, can we go out again?” to “Whatever, I’m not even into you anyway”.
Safe to say, I never saw him again.
3. The Eye-Fucker.
We were at the bar, 2 minutes into our first date, when he started blatantly flirting with the girl serving us. Now I’m not one to mind a guy having a little look around, but this was just ridiculous.
After tactically choosing a seat that provided him with a clear view of her rack, he then commenced 30 minutes of award-winning eye-fucking which basically made me vomit in my mouth. Needing to be far more drunk for this shit, I stood up to get the next round in, when he practically rugby tackled me to get there first.
Oh yeah, he asked me for a tenner to pay for the drinks too. Great.
4. The Ex Guy
This guy spent 2 months chasing me until I finally agreed to go on a date with him. He was very sweet, it’s a shame it didn’t work out really.
I can’t put my finger on exactly went wrong, but it could have something to do with the fact that he spoke about his ex all night and then two weeks later he proposed to her and they got back together.
Yeah, it could’ve been that.
5. The Honest Twat
Muscly, attractive and an ego the size of Russia, I didn’t have particularly high hopes for this one from the off, but for some reason when he muttered the words “I’m worried I’m going to be a massive twat to you”, I shrugged them off and put it down to first date nerves.
2 months later and after being played like a second hand copy of COD, I realised that he was an actual massive bellend of a twat.
Fair play to him, he wasn’t lying.
6. The Doctor
He mentioned he was a doctor when we first met which is obviously an impressive vocation, but perhaps I didn’t show enough appreciation in the first instance as he proceeded to drop it into conversation every 15 minutes for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT.
After hearing about his life saving skills for what felt like an eternity, we were paying for the bottle of Champagne that HE ordered and that I’D offered to pay half of, when he said “Well, you’ve done well out of this, haven’t you?”. It got even better when his response to me suggesting we share a taxi to our respective homes was, “I guess I’m paying for that too, hey?”.
Unsurprisingly, I passed on the chance to experience his bedside manner. Did I mention he was a doctor though? Swoon.
Wish me luck for the next 6 dates, I bloody need it.