Sometimes you just know. That can be a very overwhelming feeling. It can be hard to put in words at first. You might not know what you’re feeling. It can come out in the damndest of ways. Some ways are better than others. But then, something happens. An event, a thought, a feeling. It makes it all clear. It’s like a billboard sign staring at you in the face. “Oh hey, this is what you’re feeling, it’s called love. You love them.”
You know, that feeling thats been making you non-stop check your phone, wondering what they’re doing every second of the day. That giddy feeling that you start to smile for no reason. You start to go through your music library and start playing those happy tunes that you put on a shelf for the past year.
Events flicking by your brain of the last time you saw them. How amazing it was. How happy you were. Then you get butterflies. Like real butterflies. It’s more like your stomach is doing cartwheels. Anticipating when you’re going to see them next. What it’s going to be like. Picturing every detail of their face. Hearing their voice in your head. Another stomach flip.
Having miles in between you can become complicated and difficult. In the beginning it’s easy. You’re just getting to know them. You have nothing to lose, because you haven’t really gained much. You may be indifferent to the fact that you may never see them again. Then again, you may feel like there is something about them that you don’t want to let go of just yet. But either way, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re leaving in 2 weeks. You’re graduating. You’re moving back home, 200 miles away from where you are. You’re counting down the days. That could make you want to live a little, live like theres no tomorrow. Maybe thats why you’re getting along so well with him tonight.
Now you have a 200 mile highway in between you and him. It could be worse, you think. Yes. It could be. You’re optimistic, because you already know what long distance is like. You could be across the country. At least you can make it there in 3 hours. It’s exciting, you say. You can road trip back and forth. You’re excited to show them your life, where you grew up for the first 18 years of your life. Though they might not see it that way, this is a big step for you.
Saying goodbye instantly becomes the hardest part, which snuck up on you. Obviously, it’s something you’d rather not do. But, the day comes. You say your goodbyes, and you know it’ll be at least 3 weeks before you see them again.
The distance starts to become normal again, until something bad happens to them. You feel overcome with emotions that you can’t explain. All you know is that you want to be there for them, and with them. You feel so sad for them. You feel powerless. You want to drive there. Right now. You can’t. You fucking hate the distance. You finally realize that you really do care about them.
You love them. You’ve acknowledged it. To yourself at least. You don’t know what to do with this newly aquired revelation. You’re shitting your pants. All you can think about is the past, and how your history is all too similar to the present timeline of events. You start to feel the swell of pain that consumed your entire body for almost a year and a half. How hard it was for you to move on from that. How much you grew from that. How scared you are to be that person again. How much you don’t want to be that person ever again.
The thought of telling them makes you cringe a little. You’re worried that they’ll run in the other direction. It’s a huge risk. You’re willing to wait. You know they’ve never said the L word. You don’t know what you’re waiting for, but you’re going to wait. You think it’s early. You start overanalyzing what you’re thinking and feeling. You go back to being afraid to repeat history. The cycle continues.
You start picking apart their quirks and shortcomings. Every little thing they’re doing wrong. How every little thing is ruining any potential for this to work, you think. This is you doubting. This is you shielding yourself. Trying to protect yourself.
Finally one night, all of these thoughts come falling out of your mouth. Pretty effortlessly. You feel like you can’t hold it in anymore. One weekend you see each other in person, you let it all out. You tell them how much you care about them, carefully choosing your words, making sure to hide the important words for later. Saying only what you need to say, to make yourself feel better.