Everything I Never Should Have Apologized For

I apologized for not understanding the mechanical and technical field in which you worked. I apologized for not having my bike at my new apartment when I moved. I apologized for not being able to run the entire four miles we ran together and I apologized for asking you to walk. I apologized for using Twitter. I apologized for not being able to spend time together because I had to cover a baseball game. I apologized for working a full-time job and pursuing what I actually wanted to do with my life during after-work hours. I apologized that my passion — sports writing — involved me talking to young men who played professional baseball and I apologized that not all of them have appropriate clubhouse etiquette. I apologized that they catcalled. You never apologized for telling me you hated people who loved sports.

I apologized for my interests, for my career, for my passions, for my friends. I apologized for buying tickets to Opening Day and I apologized for being excited when you picked me up. I apologized for the rain delay to start the game and I apologized for food being expensive and I apologized for it being cold and I apologized for laughing at you when you ran away from that foul ball. You never apologized for making me leave early.

I apologized for going on the solo vacation of my dreams, the one where I went to Arizona to cover Major League spring training. I apologized for befriending the professional journalists I met while there. I apologized for traveling by myself and for wanting to get to know people so I wasn’t completely alone. You never apologized for getting drunk and losing my apartment keys while I was gone.

I apologized for introducing you to my friends and I apologized when you didn’t like them. I apologized that they were drunk and I apologized that they were men. I apologized when you said they only wanted to sleep with me. I apologized when you asked me not to hang out with them. You never apologized for maintaining a double-standard with your female friends.

I apologized for moving to the apartment of my dreams when you told me that city was your side of town. I apologized for bringing you to my parents’ house. I apologized for being quiet when I met your parents. You never apologized for telling me to never try to cook for your mother.

I apologized for it being cold during an outdoor event we attended with my best friend and her husband. I apologized for not wanting to drive because I had a few drinks. I apologized for asking you to take a taxi home with me because I didn’t want to do it alone at 2 a.m. I apologized for needing cash for a tip. You never apologized for ignoring me the whole night.

I apologized for not liking you when you drank. I apologized for being scared of you and I apologized for picking you up during a night when you were hammered when you asked me to. I apologized for being cheated on in the past when boys went out drinking with their buddies and I apologized for letting that experience make me cautious. You never apologized for telling me to get over it.

I apologized for having a past. I apologized for things I did before I even knew you existed. I apologized for the clothes I wore, for the way I cut my hair, for my body, my face, my brain. I apologized for my body not reacting well to birth control. I apologized for not wanting to have sex. I apologized for wanting to have sex. You never apologized for walking out of the room in the middle of sex because I didn’t know my period had started.

I apologized for knowing what I wanted out of life. I apologized for wanting kids. I apologized for who I was, for who I am. You never apologized for asking me to change that.

I apologized for wanting to try to make our relationship work. I apologized for telling you that I believed we had a future. I apologized for telling you I wanted that future. You never apologized for taking back “I love you.”

You never apologized for telling me you never meant it in the first place.