Everything I Never Should Have Apologized For

I apologized for not understanding the mechanical and technical field in which you worked. I apologized for not having my bike at my new apartment when I moved. I apologized for not being able to run the entire four miles we ran together and I apologized for asking you to walk. I apologized for using Twitter. I apologized for not being able to spend time together because I had to cover a baseball game. I apologized for working a full-time job and pursuing what I actually wanted to do with my life during after-work hours. I apologized that my passion — sports writing — involved me talking to young men who played professional baseball and I apologized that not all of them have appropriate clubhouse etiquette. I apologized that they catcalled. You never apologized for telling me you hated people who loved sports.

I apologized for my interests, for my career, for my passions, for my friends. I apologized for buying tickets to Opening Day and I apologized for being excited when you picked me up. I apologized for the rain delay to start the game and I apologized for food being expensive and I apologized for it being cold and I apologized for laughing at you when you ran away from that foul ball. You never apologized for making me leave early.

I apologized for going on the solo vacation of my dreams, the one where I went to Arizona to cover Major League spring training. I apologized for befriending the professional journalists I met while there. I apologized for traveling by myself and for wanting to get to know people so I wasn’t completely alone. You never apologized for getting drunk and losing my apartment keys while I was gone.

I apologized for introducing you to my friends and I apologized when you didn’t like them. I apologized that they were drunk and I apologized that they were men. I apologized when you said they only wanted to sleep with me. I apologized when you asked me not to hang out with them. You never apologized for maintaining a double-standard with your female friends.

I apologized for moving to the apartment of my dreams when you told me that city was your side of town. I apologized for bringing you to my parents’ house. I apologized for being quiet when I met your parents. You never apologized for telling me to never try to cook for your mother.

I apologized for it being cold during an outdoor event we attended with my best friend and her husband. I apologized for not wanting to drive because I had a few drinks. I apologized for asking you to take a taxi home with me because I didn’t want to do it alone at 2 a.m. I apologized for needing cash for a tip. You never apologized for ignoring me the whole night.

I apologized for not liking you when you drank. I apologized for being scared of you and I apologized for picking you up during a night when you were hammered when you asked me to. I apologized for being cheated on in the past when boys went out drinking with their buddies and I apologized for letting that experience make me cautious. You never apologized for telling me to get over it.

I apologized for having a past. I apologized for things I did before I even knew you existed. I apologized for the clothes I wore, for the way I cut my hair, for my body, my face, my brain. I apologized for my body not reacting well to birth control. I apologized for not wanting to have sex. I apologized for wanting to have sex. You never apologized for walking out of the room in the middle of sex because I didn’t know my period had started.

I apologized for knowing what I wanted out of life. I apologized for wanting kids. I apologized for who I was, for who I am. You never apologized for asking me to change that.

I apologized for wanting to try to make our relationship work. I apologized for telling you that I believed we had a future. I apologized for telling you I wanted that future. You never apologized for taking back “I love you.”

You never apologized for telling me you never meant it in the first place. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Aimee Heart

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