My List Of Deal Breakers

From: Witkowski, Laura

Sent: Tuesday, August 09, 2011 11:18 AM

To: xxxxx,xxxxx

Subject: Deal Breakers

Good morning! I had a lot of fun last night – I hope you did as well. I really enjoy spending time with you and feel really good about where this is going. When we were at the movies, you said something that caught my attention. It was on the subject of “deal breakers.” Your exact words were, “I could never get serious with somebody who preferred Pepsi to Coke. That would be a total deal breaker.” Since the movie was about to start, I realized I wouldn’t have time to capitalize on your breaking the ice on this subject, but I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing it now. I just figured I’d send you my list of deal breakers, just to make sure we’re on the same page. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. You must own a blender

The first time I visit the house of a new potential partner, I immediately look over their whole kitchen for a blender. I usually do this when the person excuses themselves to use the bathroom. To me, the owning of a blender is very important. It is tantamount to the first step in readiness to devoting one’s life to a loved one should an accident render that person helpless. What the hell am I talking about? Here’s the thing: For me, a huge relationship barometer is how I answer the following questions:

If this person suffered a closed head injury, could I devote myself to taking care of them, even blending up their foods and feeding them for the rest of our lives together?

If I suffered a closed head injury, would this person be able/willing to take care of me and would I even want them to do so?

Answering “yes” to both questions is tantamount to answering “yes” to “Could this person be ‘the one?” Not owning a blender shows you’re just not ready to get serious.

2. Kitchen sponge use

Sponges are gross. If you must use them, I have to know you adhere to a strict “dispose and replace” policy. Because every time you half-assedly wipe a dish or glass down with an old sponge that had been sitting in an inch of fetid, food-particle-laden sink water all day, I will die a little inside. I’m done with the period of my life in which I secretly and resentfully re-wash dishes again before I use them.

3. Towel care

I’m a simple person who doesn’t need a lot of expensive, high maintenance luxuries to be happy. But one of the simplest pleasures in life is getting out of the shower and drying off with a fresh, clean towel. The secret to this pleasure is proper towel care. There are three easy (and important!) steps: 1. Throw towels into dryer immediately after wash cycle finishes 2. Set the dryer on “high.” Also “More Dry” if your dryer has this setting. 3. Remove towels right away and fold. Letting still-slightly-damp towels sit in the dryer for days is a recipe for an olfactory horror show that you’re then supposed to use to dry your face and body. I refuse to ever again dry off with what smells like a very compliant-yet-stinky dog. Speaking of dogs…

4. You cannot like, have or want a small dog

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE dogs. But REAL dogs – not ones that can be carried around in a large handbag through the grocery store as if that’s an acceptable way to live your life. If Paris Hilton would think your dog is cute, it’s game over.

5. Real-time television viewing habits

I like TV shows – I’m an American, so this is a requirement. But I don’t really “watch TV.” So people who have shows during the week they “have to watch” confound me. That’s what Netflix and Hulu and TiVo are for. Staying in on a Thursday night to watch The Office and 30 Rock? That’s tolerable. But planning weekday evening activities around shows as terrible as Law & Order: LA and Detroit 187? No. You are not 70 years old yet. Fucking inexcusable.

6. Ringo is your favorite Beatle

Nobody who truly loves music would ever choose Ringo as their favorite Beatle. Sure, there was a time, like in college, where claiming Ringo as the fabbest of the fab four was a mandatory part of developing ones “quirkiness.” But such a choice should go the wayside after you graduate – just like reading Ayn Rand and letting your roommate cut your bangs.

7. You use the word “loose” instead of “lose”

When I was in sixth grade, I remember my English teacher doing a short lesson on the difference between “teach” and “learn.” I remember feeling dumbfounded – was people not knowing the difference between these really a thing? I was incredulous. I looked around the room expecting everybody else to also be looking around the room in the same manner. But from the way my classmates were not only listening, but even taking notes, I realized I was probably all alone on this one. Also possibly the only sixth grader who used the word “incredulous.” Well, as an adult I learned the words “loose” and “lose” were two of the most commonly misused/misspelled, and I felt that same “teach and learn” disbelief. SO, if you’re one of those people, I’ll say to you, “Although I’m sorry to ‘loose’ you, I think it’s for the best for BOTH of us, that I cut you ‘lose.’”

So there you have it – seven totally reasonable deal breakers. Right now, you’re either realizing we’re soul mates, or writing me off as a neurotic, OCD lunatic. So if I don’t hear from you, have a nice life and keep periodically replacing your sponges. And if I do hear from you, why don’t you just go ahead and throw out some possible wedding dates? Why waste time, right?

Warmly,

Me TC mark

image – Kat

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/martin.falder Martin Falder

    Someone needs to learn about the Price of Admission.

  • DAN

    this had potential  

  • http://twitter.com/dangergirlOOO Jerri

    Hahaha soulmates!

  • Guest

    dude. get a grip. 

  • Mashka

    Meh I was hoping for so much more. The blender thing was reaching a bit too much

  • Sophia

    I can’t figure out if this is satirical or not, considering that #1 was completely ridiculous to me, #6 was a kind of silly disagreement,  and all the rest were actually pretty reasonable, in my opinion.

    I especially hate sponges and mildew-laden towels as well. My skin is crawling just thinking about them.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      A dirty sponge is nothing more than a good boost for the immune system.  Maybe if the Native Americans had dirty kitchen sponges, they wouldn’t have been wiped out by the common cold. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641216758 Oweinama Biu

    You left off Herpes, Criminal Records, and Beer Pong.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      That’ll be coming up in the list of My Deal Makers. 

  • Devin

    My deal breaker? Someone who creeps in my kitchen looking for a utensil to be used so that I can take care of them following a TBI…especially on the first date.

    • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

      Are you implying a blender is a utensil? It’s most certainly an appliance.

      • just saying

        Yo you’re cute!

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Agreed.  But does he own a blender?

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Agreed.  But does he own a blender?

      • Devin

        Shit!

      • Devin

        Shit!

  • Alicia

    i thought most of these were kind of dumb as far as deal breakers go, i mean maybe im more laidback than most people but geez.  i mean i don’t care if the guy i date doesn’t have a blender , sucks at doing laundry properly, has unpopular music opinions or watches unpopular shows….i can’t tell you how many sporting events on tv i’ve had to endure or crappy music i’ve listened to but in the end that’s all small cheese.  and sponges?  i think a few weeks use are good out of the things, lets not be environmentally wasteful here, just squeeze it out after use and set it on a sponge holder outside of the sink, you don’t have to let it sit there getting all disgusting.  i think if you let all these minor things get in the way you miss out on someone really great, i mean aren’t all of these things you can improve or work around?  my deal breakers would be more along the lines of doesn’t treat his family well, having extremely poor diet, unemployment by choice, rudeness, ignorant, racist, etcetera….  the only ones i could understand are the small dogs and maybe slight annoyance to poor spelling (i once had a bf that made me define large words i used for him otherwise i might not even mind that one too much).  all of these could be personal things that annoy you but in my opinion not worth ending a relationship.

    • Geaven

      these deal breakers would probably be too much for a fling or a date but i don’t think they’re too much when we’re deciding who we want to live with on a long-term or permanent basis. i for one, seriously doubt i can live with someone who uses mildewy towels and disgusting sponges. same reason why i think bbefore deciding to marry someone, you’d have to live with them first and see if you can get through a month without wanting to kill each other.

  • Sarah

    Re: #7 – I feel the same about the  misuse of their, there, and they’re.  Slightly more irritating than the loose/lose debacle, and slightly less than “you are a serial killer,” or “consistently bad breath.”

    • WheelBreaker

      If my date is a serial killer, that’s a deal breaker for me.

  • Lynn

    did you just watch 500 days of summer?

  • JayNYC

    i now understand why white guys prefer women of a certain ethnicity instead of white girls. If this article isnt satire and i dont believe it is, the author has some real relationship/reality issues.

    • Guest..o

      false. they prefer women of a certain ethnicity because they are “foreign” to them, and therefore more intriguing.

  • Anonymous

    Liz Lemon really let us down with this one. 

  • a.

    Thank god you didn’t sign this “best”. Talk about Dealbreakers..

  • like, totally

    i read this in the voice of a valley girl, and i guess that all makes sense.

  • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

    I have a sponge thing that has a handle filled with soap. It lays around near fetid water all the time. Does having a soapy inside at all detract from that fact?

  • Captain Obvious

    My list of deal-breakers is way more entertaining. 

  • guest

    For Fucks Sake

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    You need to losen your requirements in a man.  I’m going to learn you about what real men are like. 

    • Asdf

      Don’t tell me you’re a Deida-ite. He too claims to know what “real men” are like. Fuck that guy. I will quote a few passages from “The Way of the Superior Man : A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire” and then you tell me what your definition of a “real man” is. If it’s anything like this shit, then you’re the definition of a deal breaker for all but the Michele Bachmann’s of the world.

      “The other way is to “fuck” both to smithereens, to ravish them with your love unsheathed, to give your true gifts despite the constant tussle of woman and world, to smelt your authentic gifts in this friction of opposition and surrender, to thrust love from the freedom of your deep being even as your body and mind die blissfully through a crucifixion of inevitable pleasure and pain, attraction and repulsion, gain and loss.”

      “Masculine men are attracted to forms of feminine energy: radiant women, beer, music, nature, etc. If a man tries to hide his attraction, it reveals some degree of shame with respect to his own sexual core.”

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        What? No.  I just wanted to use “losen” and “learn you.”  I’m a nerdy biologist who surrounds himself with female friends…I have no idea what men are like. 

      • Asdf

        Meta trolling is too subtle. Got it.

      • Guest

        uhh…

  • Guesty

    Lame

    • Guest..o

      so lame dude. let’s go do drugs dude you still have that cough syrup?

  • Waicool

    this broad needs to just get joosed on matoose and just hang loose.

    • Guest..o

      this broad? more like narrow.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    me not liking you: deal breaker.

    • Guestropod

      that’s it, that’s the only one

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    So with you on the sponge thing.

  • Guest..o

    my dealbreaker:
    anyone that won’t have sex with me.

    ..i have very low standards..

  • wackomet

    Ringo rules hard

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