Everybody loves couples. Couples make the world go round. Without couples, there wouldn’t be peanut butter & jelly, salt & pepper, or bread & butter. Of course, human couples aren’t nearly as fun, but they’re cool too, and we all know at least a few of them in our lives besides our parents. But this doesn’t change the fact that whenever you’re hanging out with a couple, ESPECIALLY when you’re single or your S.O. isn’t there, some really, really awkward things can happen. Such as:
1. When they fight.
Oh God, this is the WORST. Being around a fighting couple is the adult equivalent of riding in the car while your friend and their mom are fighting over not being able to go to the amusement park or whatever. It’s absolutely the worst thing ever, because you can’t exactly chime in and be all, “YEAH, SALLY! QUIT BEING A WHINY LITTLE BITCH!” no matter how much Sally is being a whiny little bitch. It’s kind of frowned upon to interrupt, too, so there’s literally nothing you can say, even if their fight lasts hours. and hours. and hours.
2. When they’re super PDA-y.
Look, guys. I get that you’re in love, and it’s adorable. And Jordan, I get that Sally is a total dimepiece. But I’m trying to have a decent conversation with her, and it’s kind of hard to do so when you have your hand shoved halfway up her vagina. Please, please, PLEASE, if it’s anything more than just some cuddling and maybe a peck or two, get a room.
This one sucks because it’s equally awkward whether you’re with or without your human. If you’re single, it’s kind of like, “Oh no it’s fine guys, I have this great wall here that I can cuddle with.” If you’re with your human, it’s more like, “Uhh soo…are we supposed to one-up them? Is this some kind of fucked-up contest over who’s more in love?” And it’s ESPECIALLY bad when you’re with somebody whom you’ve just started seeing. Both of you sort of revert back to middle-school mode–“Are we supposed to be doing that, too? Oh God, we probably are. Do I know you well enough to do that? What if I’m being too forward?”
Ugh. THE WORST. Also bad is:
3. Being entirely too open about their sex life.
Maybe this is just me being old-fashioned and weird, but if I’m friends with both people in a couple, I have absolutely ZERO interest in knowing what they do in the bedroom. If it’s a girl friend of mine and I don’t know the guy very well, honey, tell me everything. I mean, I want the dirty details. But if I’m friends with both of you, it is weird. It feels like some terrible, horrible invasion of privacy to know about your fun times doing the no-pants dance. I don’t want to know about how Jordan likes butt stuff or that Sally has perfectly shaped labia or whatever. I just don’t. Besides, what am I even supposed to do this information? Give you a three-way high five? I don’t think so. Keep those lips sealed.
4. When they try to set you up with their single friends.
Here’s a fun fact: being single and knowing the same couple does NOT a compatible couple make. Just because I’m single and I know both of you, doesn’t mean that I’m going to get along great with Jordan’s cocaine-dealing hook-armed midget stepbrother, who also happens to be single and know both of you. I know that you guys want another couple to get brunch with and go to wine tastings and art galleries with and do other couple-y things that you found on Groupon with, but I’m not exactly going to fall head over heels with any rando that you swing around in my direction.
That being said, if you happen to know a hot, non-douchey single guy, feel free to swing him on over in my direction. Groupon does have some excellent deals on brunch.
5. When it doesn’t happen.
Everybody has that one friend who gets a boyfriend, and then BOOM, you never see them again. Now, I don’t mean to sound like a cynic or anything, but I don’t understand how this works. How do you not get sick of somebody? I don’t think there’s a single person on the planet I could hang out with 24//7 and not get sick of. That’s not some grandiosely antisocial statement, I just genuinely am the kind of person that needs my alone time. And, furthermore, the kind of person that needs variety. I can understand loving someone enough to want to bring them to all your social gatherings, but don’t you want to see other people, too? Like….you do know that you can hang out with your human AND hang out with your friends, too? I mean obviously please don’t do numbers 1-4 on here while you do so, but it is possible. You can have your cake and eat it too.
So, for those of you couples that read this…..please keep these in mind. I can’t be alone when I say that these things are annoying as all hell. And I say that in the absolute most loving and friendly way possible, of course.