To The Summer When I Finally Started Living

people walking on street near red double-deck buses
Krists Luhaers / Unsplash

I’ve been through some ups and downs in my life, but I always convinced myself I was still doing okay.

I was trying to not pay attention to the actual fact that I wasn’t properly living, I was surviving. For most of my life, I was just trying to get to the end of the day, in a decent way.

I wasn’t enjoying myself, I was constantly and always thinking too much: about myself, my body, my flaws, everything that wasn’t perfect, or at least wasn’t in my mind.

I was judging others. So much. Always paying attention to what other people were doing, wearing, drinking, smoking, saying, enjoying.

I was so bitter and frustrated about everything.

I would like to formally apologize to all the ones I labeled, called out, dared to judge: I am sorry.

I thought moving to another city was a good solution: to find myself, to accept myself, and to finally start living.

And guess what? London did that.

It was a slow process, but in three years everything started to make sense.

The dots, the stars, or whatever you wish to call them, finally started to align.

Every single piece of me started to shape into what it was supposed to be.

Everything finally made sense.

I broke free. I started being everything I’ve never been, I started talking about things I thought for most of my life were wrong, and do things I thought I wasn’t supposed to do.

I started having fun. I started to love my body, accept it, take care of it.

I started loving myself, and stopped wanting to be somebody else.

I made good playlists and danced all night around my room.

I fell asleep into strangers’ arms, but in the moment they were the ones.

Doesn’t matter if they weren’t anymore the day after.

It was fun.

Suddenly I was living my “Donna” summer.

It truly felt like a movie. I never laughed harder, danced, sung, cried and lived in the moment as much as I did this past summer.

I lived. I swear I did. And it felt so good.

It tasted like freedom, looked like a Californian wave, smelled like the ocean, sounded like the Mamma Mia soundtrack. Everything became easy, the nights were longer and sweeter, the days were exciting and unknown, but in a good way.

It was like electricity. It felt like a lighting hit me and allowed me to finally be: myself.

The one I’ve been searching for most of my life: She is finally here. She is fearless, stunning, free, smart, different, and ready.

If you would have told me, a year ago, the person I would have become, I would have not believed you and I probably would have hated it.

Guess I wasn’t ready then. I certainly am now.

I hope she’ll never leave, because I love her. She’s everything I never dared to be before, she is everything I’ve always wanted to be.

I love her, I love myself. To the best summer of my life, to many more to come, hoping they will last forever. TC mark

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