Tonight, I gave a life without you a chance. I embraced what most would consider being “single”. I had no intentions of anything but trying to escape to go home to finish the Netflix I had started this morning. But now I somehow have the smell of my best friend’s perfume all over me, and the lingering thoughts that come with a night like this.
This is not something I would ever do if you were still here. But it was a night I could easily promise you that you would love. When your favorite song came on, I had two choices: to leave in misery, or to embrace both the existence of you and the lose of you. I chose both and I danced in a way you have never seen, in a way I needed to.
I drove home after. Thinking of you and your inevitable presence. Both positive and dark thoughts. Some girls would question if they were being thought of. I know you’re thinking of me. I feel it. Just as I’ve felt it every other time. You are fortunate to have a person close enough to read you so well, despite how far you are. I really don’t know how much longer I’ll be here though.
We both have too much pride. Pride in who we are and where we’re going. Despite this we both admire each other’s sense of themselves. Going forward, it will never benefit us. Neither of us will ever want to be the “weaker” one, the one that “caves” first. It will be an ongoing silent battle of who speaks first…if anyone even does.
I know I won’t. And it’s not because of weakness, but because of strength. I spent the whole relationship solely fighting for us in words and actions. I know I will probably wait forever to see you fight back, if you ever do at all. And that is why I am focusing on myself. Myself, alone.
Nothing and no one could even begin to compare to you, and I am willing to accept that. I am willing to move forward knowing I will never get the chance to be with someone like you again. But only because you are too.