The Embarrassingly True Story Of What Goes Down When Bad Handjobs Happen To Good People
Based on true events and presented with the permission of the poor girl who had the experience
She switched hands for the 3rd time as she looked up at the ceiling of her living room with silent disdain. He appeared to still be enjoying the process, although she couldn’t fathom how, and she wasn’t sure she could continue suppressing the desire to roll her eyes in frustration. This was taking so much longer than expected. And as she shook out the hand that she had just relieved she couldn’t help but wonder how she had ended up here; sitting on the floor between his legs and giving what felt like the world’s longest handjob.
The night started off very strongly.
Neither of them wanted to go out so they agreed on ordering a pizza and marathoning Game of Thrones. His roommate was occupying the apartment making her townhouse the easy location choice. This was their third date and things were past that initial awkward stage. Conversation was in a good spot, but physically nothing had happened beyond some hardcore making out on the previous date. She didn’t want to push things all the way since she didn’t want to appear slutty, but she still hoped that the touching would move beyond junior high levels.
With the leftover pizza already tucked away into the fridge, their positions on the couch had shifted closer together for some cuddling and kissing that would hopefully lead to more. The episode ended, the speed of their tongues increased, and his fingers found their way to the zipper of her pants.
He made quick work of the task at hand, and had she not enjoyed it so much, she probably would have suggested that they retire to her bedroom. But, alas, their escapades would finish where they began. And now it was her turn to reciprocate.
That initial excitement had left her long ago. The exact timeframe was unknown, but based on how much her arms hurt, it could have been hours. Her mouth felt like a desert from the aforementioned spit swapping, and she wasn’t hugely proud of the fact that her dog startling them only a few minutes before by jumping on the sofa had actually offered a needed moment of relief.
Yes, she had contemplated moving things into blowjob territory. It was the logical next step. But despite her lack of virginity, she had never actually given a BJ. Something her friends taunted her about all too often. So, yes maybe she was afraid to venture down Oral Lane, but that was basically out of the question at this point considering her lack of saliva. That and the fact that she had asked if she should even continue or call it off, and he had given her the go ahead to keep on trying.
They had laughed about the whole situation, and she took it as a good sign that he was joking along regarding their lack of progress. But this was getting ridiculous.
One more hand switch, and an exacerbated sigh escaped from her throat. She hoped he hadn’t heard and pressed onward, once again attempting to adjust her technique to achieve the desired results. And then finally, as if the planets had aligned, or more accurately taken pity upon her, the mission was accomplished.
He buckled his belt and remained sitting in the exact same position on the couch. He tried to make small talk to ease the tension, which only encouraged her increasing urge for him to GTFO of her house. Ten minutes later she shut the door quickly behind him and retreated to her bedroom with a glass of wine, hoping to drink and sleep away the embarrassment of the night’s events. The last thing she said to him was to text once he completed his half hour drive home.
She checked her phone early the next morning and saw his “Made it” text. Her head was pounding as she realized she finished the whole bottle of wine she had innocently opened following what would hence be known in the group chat as “The World’s Longest Handjob.” As she rubbed her eyes, willing her memories to fade, the messages rolled in with bets on if he would ever text her again. And with her pillow smashed over her head, she loudly yelled out,
“Siri, how do you give a blowjob?”