Well, I hope you’ve brought your A-game, because we ladies of the Hebrew persuasion won’t settle for much less than your absolute best, and yes, we are watching closely! Shall we proceed?
1. We’re educated.
There is no such thing as “if” you go to college when you’re the proud owner of one or two Jewish parents (thanks, Dad). Going to college is an unspoken must. That means you, potential love, should be educated and not only because our parents will expect that but because we find smart partners sexy.
The smarter and dorkier, the better (and the wetter) your Jewish babe will be. Even if you’re not the recipient of a degree, being knowledgeable about what you do and love is very attractive to us, especially if you can expound on this knowledge in an articulate manner or demonstrate a passion or skill.
2. Our families will grill you to death.
If you’re fancying a “chosen one,” be prepared to meet the family. As in right now. The good news? Yes, her family will grill you to death — things you didn’t realize were potential questions for discussion will be, just you wait! — but the good news is as a general rule, we’re warm and chatty. Or in other words, we’re approachable people!
3. We’ve got the gift of gab.
An utterly quiet Jewish woman? Umm … on which planet? We like to chat, you know, perhaps some coffee talk? Being quiet isn’t our best trait and besides that would be completely dull. We hope you’re a great listener. If you can dish it back? Even better but if not, don’t worry — we have the conversation covered!
That said, though, if you find yourself engaged in an argument with a lovely Jewish lady, be prepared to lose or put up a good fight. We’re an expert at finding the weak link in any fight.
4. We love ambitious men.
When my dad heard I was getting a divorce, his kind words of comfort were, “Well, now you can marry a lawyer or doctor!” as if there are a bunch of 30-something lawyers and doctors waiting to meet me. We like people with ambition and goals, even if those goals don’t include law school or medical school. Just be driven to whatever your passion is. If you don’t have a plan for yourself that’s loaded with promise and drive, you won’t last in our beds for long.
5. We’re not Betty Crocker.
Do you want a delicious homemade cake for your birthday? We do too, but we won’t be making it! I’m sure there are some awesome Jewish bakers but for many of us, we’ll be making a call to the bakery for your big celebration.
Rest assured, though: Jewish women know the best restaurants and bakeries, so you’ll never go hungry.
6. We’re kinkier than people think.
The Orthodox and Hasidim Jewish women are excluded from this truth — although maybe not — but the rest of us, well, we’re a bit kinky or at least open. It wasn’t drilled into our heads that masturbation will blind us (or that it’s filthy), so when you’re in love with a Jewish woman you’ve got a decent shot that she’ll at least hear out your dirty desires and possibly (or probably!) one up the kink factor with an even naughtier idea. But remember: put up a good argument or we will tear it apart. We’re natural debaters.
7. We love to feed you.
Are you feeling sad, angry, happy, or melancholy? Frustrated or intrigued? With every emotion there’s another excuse for your Jewish woman to whip out the food and conversation. Have a decent appetite. The next 50 meals are on their way.
8. We have expensive taste.
Buying something at Walmart is an utter sin. It’s actually in the Old Testament. Don’t buy your Jewish girlfriend, fiancée, or wife a gift from a cheap store unless you plan to be buried with that gift!
9. We love a man with wit.
There is nothing sexier than a funny, smart man. Jews are known for our wit. Think Larry David, Joan Rivers, Rita Rudner, and Jerry Seinfeld just to name a few. If you want our hearts and hotness, make us crack a laugh. We might just give you a chance.
10. We’re worriers.
Get used to the phrase, “I’m worried” when you’re in love with a Jewish broad. We can’t help it. We’re deep thinkers and concerned citizens of the world. We’ve survived deep tragedies and hardships as a group of people. We can’t help but be a bit skeptical and vah-klempt when something bothers us. Be gentle, listen, and don’t bother telling us not to worry. That won’t work! Just love us as is.
11. We love to play the guilt card.
When you do something wrong which inevitably you will do — hey, we all make mistakes! — be prepared for some guilt. It’s usually subtle but if she’s piling it on, call her on it! It’s not a good thing to guilt anyone.
12. We love Cadbury chocolate eggs.
Who cares about a chocolate Santa? None of the Jewish women I know. Now a Cadbury Easter Egg? Mmm, mmm. Your Jewish gal pal probably loves them to pieces, especially since they come out right around Passover (otherwise known as the holiday in which Jews eat matzo, known as cardboard to other people). The temptation to indulge in five or six of those delicious eggs are enough to bring a woman down.
Whether you’ve got a religious lady or a non-practicing woman of the Moses order, know you’ve picked a stellar, smart, sexy, and educated woman. Mazel tov, my friend!