Yesterday, I was angry with you. No, that’s not right. I was angry at you because you weren’t there. You weren’t an active participant in what I was feeling.
This anger became a part of me ever since that moment our relationship fractured.
Some days it’s deep below the surface, buried under the other things I’m experiencing in that particular moment. Then there are days like yesterday. My anger covering me in a heavy grime. The filth of it all may never wash off. That is how it seems to me when it’s happening.
For a long time, it seemed I would never see what happened between us through your eyes. The only thing I could see, the only thing I could feel, was the sting from that choice you made. That choice that kept you over there while putting me on the other side so far away over here.
In the aftermath, I began to travel a road of resentment. Ugliness clouded my heart. I became a version of myself I am not proud of.
I cannot blame you for any of it. Believe me when I say I want to. Villainizing you would make the weight of it all seem just a little less heavy. But just as you made your choice, so did I.
Going back and reliving what happened over and over again will never allow me to find any piece of healing. My survival largely depends on my ability to heal from our battle as well as any fallout that may come from it. A battle that left both of us severely wounded.
I was stuck with one foot in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow. My hurt from your choice to push me to the other side does not undo all the times we were on the same side. Circumstances fell down heavy on both of us. These circumstances slowly eroded at all we had built.
Your choice in that moment placed us on opposing sides. The truth is a different choice that pushed us both beyond the border may not have been any better.
I cannot control, undo, or continue to drown in negativity over your choice. What is done is done. It has been done for a long time now.
I have to make a different choice for myself, because the one I’m currently choosing isn’t working out so well for me.
I don’t think I can forgive you, at least not yet. What I can do is have compassion for you and the difficult position you were put into. What I can also do is start to wash away the anger grime one layer at a time.
I can accept that things between us will never be again what they once were. What they will become remains to be seen.