There will never be a safe way for me to have this conversation with you, so here I am writing you a letter you will never get the chance to read. Things weren’t always this fragile between us, in the beginning I absolutely adored you. Admittedly I was intimidated at our first meeting because you had achieved certain things in life I was only in the early stages of working towards, my hope was that you would guide me along this process. You laughter and smile were infectious, your spirit inviting, and your ways engaging. I desperately wanted, no needed, you to like me and that was probably my first mistake in a series of several to come later on.
Throughout the course of knowing one another we established an emotional intimacy fairly quickly and early on. I had assumed this was the foundation of a mutual trust we were building together, yet later on all of this would be used against me in very damaging ways. I know only a vague concept of the past hurts you have experienced and the wounds that never fully healed because of it, but I was not the one who actually hurt you.
At some point things changed between us for reasons I will never fully understand and you switched me from one of your allies to your enemy. The first time you lashed out at me other parties involved helped mediate things between us; you cried and apologized to me profusely. Believe me when I say that I understood where you were coming from because we’ve all had those moments. Less than a month later it happened again and when those same parties attempted to mediate once more, you refused to back down or accept any responsibility for your actions. To assuage the situation I accepted the full blame apologizing for something I did not do just so we can have peace between us like before. I began to go above and beyond to find ways to please you, to help bring back that kind person I had first met what seemed like a lifetime ago. Nothing seemed to work, my very presence seemed to infuriate you.
A pattern had been established and you continued to lash out at me with more frequency and intensity. The person I had once admired I now feared. Each passing day I never knew what to expect from you or how to act around you; what would set you off and what you would do to me because of it. My anxiety became paralyzing, I developed physical tremors whenever I heard your name. Bit by bit I began to relapse in my own self-destructive behaviors. All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they once were when we were a mighty team.
I do not hate you and I do not wish any ill will for you. More than anything I want you to get the help you need before your pain completely destroys you. For me I have to accept that your issues extend far beyond me and existed long before I ever came along; it was not my fault and I did not deserve the things you did to me. I do take full responsibility for allowing this abusive pattern to persist as long as it did. For my own preservation I need to walk away because in trying to save you I’ll only end up losing myself.