Ghosts are all pretty much shitheads. However, the worst kind of ghost is the one you let in—because you only have yourself to blame. If it knocks on your door and it’s wearing a sheet; it is probably a ghost.
If then it says to you, “Hello, I believe we know each other. I am a ghost. I am here to haunt you.” It is definitely a fucking ghost.
It would seem like you have endless options at this point. Truly though, you have only one. Don’t let it in. Don’t open the door.
If you let it in, then it will haunt you. Ghosts are very predictable. Ghost focus is also the reason they’re so difficult to get rid of once they enter your world. They are relentless. They are driven in the way one could only be without a human brain to distract them.
Ghost brains are mushy because they’re made of skeleton dust, crumpled up waiting room magazines, and mud. Ghost scientists believe the deficient and mud-covered ghost brain is part of the reason that ghosts are very immature and self-centered. (Imagine the worst seven-year-old you know. Now imagine they’re translucent.)
How do I know so much about ghosts? One is currently trying to ruin my life. The thing is, ghosts don’t haunt quickly. Why would they rush? They literally have all of eternity.
I’ve tried all of the normal things: turpentine, honey, larvae, lava, Red Bull, etc. Problem is none of that will work on a ghost who was allowed to enter. I may not even be the one who invited the ghost in, but I will definitely be the one who invites the ghost to leave.
Some people think the best way to get rid of a ghost is to lay traps all around your apartment. But you need to be careful not to get stuck in them yourself. Ghost traps and human traps aren’t really that different, because ghosts and humans aren’t vastly different.
Ghosts are really just an inferior version of a human without a body, or without skin… without something. I forget what exactly it is that they are missing. Well, definitely without whatever it is that makes a human feel like a human when you put your arms around them—oh, and also a conscience.
I’ve been thinking a lot about calling someone in, to get rid of the ghost. Then again, like I said, this ghost is not entirely mine to bust. In a small way, they’re just here, too. It’s like that punchline to that old Myron Cohen joke, “Everybody’s got to be someplace.”
However, in a much larger way, they need to leave and never return. They are unwelcome and unwanted. They, like all ghosts, have no claim to the present, no stake and nothing to offer. They should move along before something terrible happens. In the movies exorcisms look really painful—especially for the ghost. I went to Catholic school, so I know a few things about exorcisms and pain.
When I first arrived, I was completely unaware of the ghost. Like marbles in a long tube this ghost hurled from unobtrusive to impediment, ever so quickly. I started to see things, like objects that shouldn’t be there—or things that should’ve been gone long ago. Still, I didn’t give it too much thought.
Whenever someone tells you that they hadn’t given something “too much thought” you should pay attention. That is a signal. They are trying to display regret. What they mean by “too much thought” is either “the right amount of thought” or “the right thought.” Even if there is nothing they really could have done, even if the situation was, in fact, unavoidable—they wish they had thought about it more or better.
Whether or not it’s helpful, humans are thoughtful creatures. Unlike ghosts who don’t think at all. To be frank, ghosts are assholes. Ghosts really are the worst kind of people.
Anyway, I started to hear things. The ghost was trying to connect. The ghost kept sending haunting messages that no one wanted, getting in the way where it could, and attempting to wreak havoc. However, although the ghost is still here, the haunting grows weaker with each day.
Like I said, you can’t use the normal tactics with this type of ghost. You can’t use tricks or traps to get rid of it. You just have to be patient; it will be vanquished. For now just continue to exist as the better-brained, less wicked, superior version of a ghost.
Haunt the haunter. Feel your flesh press against your love’s warm flesh, awake and alive in the knowledge that the ghost cannot experience this corporeality. They never will again. Find victory in the truly precious locations where only you can enter.