- BLUE HURRICANE: This ride occurs during any episode of Breaking Bad.
- HOT AND HEAVY: This ride occurs during any episode of “breakup,” a limited engagement experiential reality piece, performed outside of several bars, and their surrounding cabs and/or subway trains. It runs most weekends.
- WHITE OUT: This ride occurs when you wake up to learn you only have a two-hour delay. Then you brush your teeth and get dressed. You are about to leave for school, when the news flashes that you’d been upgraded to a snow day.
- HEAD RUSH: This ride occurs when you mistake a cup of ginger ale for apple juice.
- HOT SHOT! This ride occurs when there’s a fire drill during a pop quiz.
- PRIDE OF YOUR LIFE: This ride occurs the first time you see your dad cry, but it’s because he’s proud of you.
- THE MANIPULATION 2000: This ride occurs during a movie when a weak or elderly person, or a weak or elderly animal, or a regular animal, is mistreated and then later someone else stands up for them to a musical flourish. Be forewarned, this ride may or may not include a rousing speech.
- DEAD RINGER II: This ride takes place at exactly 3 a.m. when you were experiencing a sound sleep. Your phone rings, jolting you into an unpleasant consciousness. You squint to see a very familiar number. Your imagination takes hold. Maybe, though, it isn’t just your imagination but also your anecdotal experience; maybe the ring sounds like an echo. You answer in a cold sweat, “Okay, well first off, everyone is fine.”
- THE OLD SWITCHEROO: This ride occurs while reading most Upworthy posts, or as you stare at the door of a casual, but not too casual, bar—waiting for the arrival of your Tindr date.
- I SCREAM MACHINE: This ride occurs when you have exactly the right amount of change for the ice cream vending machine. But then the mechanical arm is faulty and you pick up the wrong selection. Miraculously, you manage to drop it and retrieve the one you wanted, which was obviously a Choco Taco.
- XXXTRA STRENGTH: This ride occurs when there are 11 things in a list that was previously represented as only including 10 things.
Then, you start to wonder: why is this here? Why am I here? Will this be a good thing or a difficult thing? Will life, in the end? Will this extra item remind me of my most recent agony? The one where I was brought to my knees in a sorrow that was never cured, but only pacified by wailing most nights to old soul songs and over-serving myself gin? Or will it remind me of my greatest triumph, my most vibrant capabilities, and fill me with the mental helium of pride?
You wonder, will this extra thing surprise me with a threat to my safety—that even though it is merely words on a computer screen—reminds me of other times when my safety has been compromised in reality and leaves me feeling uneasy, lips smacking with the rusty taste of apprehension? Or, will this thing instead wrap its type-faced arms around me and whisper that it loves me, even though I’m not that great, and I can’t even speak a second language?
This thing loves you and will keep you safe.