21 Very Satisfying Things To Throw In Anger

Flickr/Peter Burge
Flickr/Peter Burge

Don’t throw things. Definitely don’t throw things at anything at anyone, ever. I just want you to be aware of this information in the abstract. Sometimes that’s enough—just knowing—especially if you don’t want to keep wasting money on alarm clocks.

  1. An alarm clock. Not an iPhone. Don’t throw your iPhone. Go to the store and buy an alarm clock. Then buy a nightstand. Then put the alarm clock on the nightstand and put the nightstand by the bed. Then after that—when the time is right—fling the alarm clock across the empty room. You won’t be disappointed.
  2. Up.
  3. The gauntlet, in a downward direction.
  4. White wine.
  5. Thursday, in a backward direction.
  6. A remote control.
  7. Anything that has spent any time at all in a kiln or kiln-like oven.
  8. Fits.
  9. Caution, in a windward direction.
  10. A gluestick, but only if you’ve been using it to work on an Earth Science project due in less than two hours.
  11. A sweater, one that your sister claims is hers, and that you claim is yours, for so long and so hard until you both switch sides. Then finally, just throw it out your apartment window and watch it sail, with all your reasonable hopes of maturity, into the alley. After that, and hours later, sheepishly creep down to retrieve it from the alley because your better judgment has returned, and you’re way too old to be acting like such an idiot. Also, you’re cold.
  12. A meatball. It’s really the third best thing you can do with a meatball, after eat it, and save it to eat later.
  13. Shade.
  14. Mix CDs. The reason here should be obvious.
  15. A gala. It is preferable if you are the craven, manipulative matriarch of a well-to-do soap opera dynasty, but honestly anyone can throw one, as long as they have enough delusions of grandeur and lead time to book a hall.
  16. A drink in a highball glass.
  17. A drink in a lowball glass.
  18. Most drinks in most glasses, except Cosmopolitans because you can never get the angle quite right. Also, why are you ordering a Cosmopolitan? Maybe you’d stop being so goddamn angry if you allowed yourself to order a decent drink.
  19. A wrench, but only a figurative one, and only if it’s thrown into your own plans—in an act of self-sabotage—because that’s exactly the person with whom you are angry this time.
  20. The opening pitch at a minor league baseball game where the visiting team’s catcher happens to be your nemesis.
  21. A trophy, at other trophies, in slow-motion, as part of a visual album. TC mark

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