How To Get The Perfect Summer Body

Flickr/Sam Javanrouh
Flickr/Sam Javanrouh

It’s simple really.  You don’t need the right swimsuit. You don’t need the right workout plan. You don’t even need a diet. The best way to get the perfect summer body is to make it.

First things first, find a beach ball. That’s your head right there. I mean, you probably already knew that because you’re not an idiot. Beach ball=head. Always has, always will.

Next is a circulatory system. Nothing says summer quite like blood pumping through your veins or the salty sea air in your lungs or your foot falling asleep watching Netflix. So for a circulatory system just use a bunch of milkshake straws. Try not to let any of the straws accidentally pop your head.

The next part is tricky. People aren’t kidding when they talk about how difficult it is to get washboard abs. It is tough and it takes time. I had to visit like seven or eight flea markets before I even found a washboard.

Attaching it to my circulatory system was also no easy feat. For your arms, I think kaleidoscopes are fun, but kind of expensive. You can honestly just use paper towel rolls as long as you make sure the metal hinge you found in your toolbox elbow is sturdy.  If you like biceps, tape some Hot Pockets to the rolls. Also, protect everything up top with a ribcage using an old BBQ grill. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to be old, but why would you waste a new one?

So far we have the top half of our Perfect Summer Body™

1. Beach ball head

2. Kaleidoscope arms

3. Milkshake straw circulatory system

4. Washboard washboard abs

5. BBQ rib… cage

For the bottom half of the body, the most important thing is a bodacious ass. I suggest using two globes. It really doesn’t matter if the maps on them are outdated. Globes are available at most elementary schools, if you steal them.

As far as genitals go, I used a pencil for a penis. I don’t have one in real life, but whatever, it’s summer, right? I guess I could’ve used something cooler like a candle or a banana, but whatever, I’m not braggy.

Thighs, knees, ankles, are all nice things to have year round.  Legs are definitely something to consider. Fill a pair of stockings with whatever pudding best matches the pigmentation you’d like to have this summer. Talk about sweet gams.

To reiterate, the bottom half of our Perfect Summer Body™ is made of: 

1. Bodacious topographically questionable globe ass

2. Pencil dick

3. Pudding legs

The last step is pretty easy. Just fill in all the other body parts with great summer accessories like: sunglasses that match your face shape, hotdogs, Instagram filters, crushes, ice cream, sunburns, pop songs, and humidity. Wrap it all together using an extra sail if you’re rich, or a piece of public pool liner if you’re poor. Then add water. You’re like, 1000% water.

Now go enjoy that Perfect Summer Body™!

Oh, and for blood I just used blood. TC mark

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