1. Move to the Northeastern U.S., where spring doesn’t exist.
2. Eat a lot of ice cream out of a bowl that’s shaped and painted to resemble a bowl of ice cream.
3. Fire the general manager of any National League baseball team.
4. Stand outside your local Equinox holding a boombox above your head and yelling “Vernal!”
5. High five a flower wearing sunglasses.
6. Play any drinking game, but instead of drinking take a Claritin.
7. Get a pogo stick. Lend it only to your enemies.
8. Hydrate—and by that I mean just go ahead and eat any hydra you find lying around.
9. Start pronouncing the ‘N’ in badminton.
10. Sprinkle tulip flowers all over your bed spread. Roll in them a little, but be careful not to catch tulip mania.
11. Replace your current wardrobe with all pastels. Replace all your pastels with the book Primary Colors. Make horrible art while looking amazing.
12. Drink the blood of a man—or just eat some sour candy if you’re not very religious.
13. Watch Spring Breakers with the lights off. Also, with the sound off. And the picture off. What I’m saying is Spring Breakers is a terrible movie.
14. Erect a maypole.
15. When the bartender asks “on the rocks or neat?” tell him you want it “temperate.”
16. Go to a music festival. And don’t ever come back, because I don’t want to have to hear about any music festivals.
17. Fall in love… with a deer. Then decide to keep things platonic because you guys have almost nothing in common.
18. Write emotional poetry about what ‘almost was’ with the deer.
19. Join a Minor League Basebell team. It’s like baseball, but instead of balls they use bells. Also, a lot of people get concussed.
20. Have a picnic or just eat a baguette while wearing a gingham shirt.
21. Netflix a movie called “April Showers” that you think is going to be sexy, but turns out to be a documentary about a woman’s bridal shower. Spoiler alert: she registered!
23. Tyler Perry’s “Tylenol,” which is also just Tylenol.
24. An IV drip composed of 50% vim, 40% vigor, and 10% morphine.
25. A Windbreaker.