1. When Gilgamesh kills the Bull of Heaven. – Ohhhh my god. How did you even get to be a king?! Clearly there’s no general aptitude test. FIRST of all, idiot, Ishtar sent this beast down at you because you blew her off. Why did you blow off a Goddess? That was your pre-fail fail. Also, maybe next time don’t kill a heaven bull and then let your best friend pay the price. Gilgamesh? More like dildomesh. Yes, I am saying you have the brainpower of a silicone sex toy.
2. When Rama just sits there and lets his wife get abducted. – If I were Sita, I’d be like, “You know what? I don’t care if my husband Rama really IS Vishnu. He sent a vulture to rescue me. A fucking bird! And it died.” I know, that’s pretty surprising considering how often birds are used to protect soldiers in battle or to blow up enemy strongholds during combat assaults. No, no, no, wait, I’m confusing birds with TANKS! Rama, do you hear that noise? No? That silence is the sound of literally NO ONE denying your epic failure.
3. When Agamemnon pisses off Achilles then sends him some gifts/a mythical queen to make up for it. – Are you dumb? You are supposed to be fighting a war together. Get your Bronze Age helmets out of your asses. Also, maybe if you didn’t keep stopping for NIGHTFALL, this shit wouldn’t have taken ten years.
4. When Patroclus killed Sarpedon. – Do you even know who his father is??? It’s Zeus, motherfucker. #OlympicLevelFail
5. When Odysseus enrages Poseidon while traveling via THE OCEAN. – If you’re going to stab Poseidon’s only cycloptic son in his only eye—maybe don’t tell him your real name after you do it. You should change your name to “Oridiculous.” Here’s an example from my life to illustrate for you how badly you fucked up. When I’m about to get on the L Train, I don’t assault the son of the Supernatural Rat King that lives in the subway tunnels. Even if I did, I DEFINITELY wouldn’t then post a picture of me punching him on Facebook and then tag the Supernatural Rat King. What I’m saying is, you failed, epically. (Also don’t friend rats on Facebook; their status updates are terrible because they never bothered to learned how to type or use human language.)
6. When Icarus flies too close to the sun. – Are you fucking kidding me? Your wings are being held together by wax! Icarus, do you even understand how a candle works? And don’t try to tell me you didn’t see it. It’s the sun, Icarus! The sun! It’s literally the only thing in the sky that’s 875,000 miles wide and wearing black Ray Bans! This is probably the most EPIC fail so far. Thank the Gods you didn’t take an AP course in The Sun because, if so, you would have definitely failed that too.
7. When Beowulf tried to fight a dragon. – Where are you even from? You kill one Grendel and one Grendel’s mother and then think you can fight a fucking dragon? That was fifty years ago, by the way. Maybe next time you try to do something, don’t wait until fifty years after you last did it successfully.