You guys might not know this, but I am the host of an amazing podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect from a podcast recorded in a real studio with walls. This week, my guests are J.E. Reich and Alison Wisneski who both love talking about gay stuff. Also, Brad Pike stops by to discuss food, satire and eating Irish babies.
Laura Jayne Martin: Hi guys, welcome to the podcast.
J.E.: Hi there!
LJM: First question, what was your most recent embarrassment?
Alison: I don’t get embarrassed often. That’s my problem.
J.E.: I went on a date a little while ago and managed to spill water on my pants twice. It looked like I had peed myself for most of the night, but she didn’t notice.
Alison: You did pee yourself and that’s okay.
J.E.: Oh, I embarrassed my mom pretty recently, does that count?
LJM: What happened?
J.E.: I wrote about how I date non-Jewish girls (as a Jewish girl myself) and it was published pretty recently, and the caption under the picture of me read: “J.E. Reich gives her [Jewish] mother nightmares”.
LJM: What part of it didn’t she like, you not dating Jewish women exclusively, or you writing about it?
J.E.: I would say the “not dating Jewish women exclusively” bit is probably the most nightmare-inducing.
LJM: I volunteer as tribute—to date any Jewish women you don’t want.
Alison: My mom doesn’t know how to use the Internet.
J.E.: Alison, you are so lucky.
LJM: I’m sure you embarrass her in person enough.
Alison: Oh for sure I do, with my big gay haircut and overall queer demeanor.
LJM: You have a gay haircut?
Alison: But she only uses computers for mahjong.
J.E.: My name is J.E. Reich, and I am a mahjong fanatic.
LJM: Thanks for being honest for once.
Alison: I’m calling masturbating “mahjong” from now on. “Gotta play mahjong–back in twenty minutes!”
LJM: What are you doing for twenty whole minutes? Do you seduce yourself?
Alison: I’m a classy lady who likes to be seduced, sure.
LJM: I thought so.
Alison: I’m not putting out for just anybody.
LJM: No matter who she is.
Alison: Even me.
J.E.: It’s so weird to hang around people with standards, guys.
LJM: Next question, what is the gayest food?
J.E.: Any food that goes into my mouth is automatically the gayest food.
LJM: Is your mouth your gayest body part?
J.E.: This is getting REALLY personal, Laura.
Alison: My mouth is for sure the gayest. And my nails, I think.
J.E.: My hair is pretty gay; sometimes, when I have to tuck it into a hood when it’s raining.
Alison: Your hair is not gay.
J.E.: You have never seen me wear a hoodie, guys. It looks gay when I wear a hoodie.
LJM: No, I have and you definitely do look gay.
Alison: Speaking of, what terms do you prefer as labels of queerness?
J.E.: I don’t really have a preference in terms of what others call me, but I usually refer to myself as queer. Queer or gay.
Alison: I think the term “lesbian” is super sexy and often forgotten about.
LJM: I use “gay” because it’s fastest. My gender stuff makes “queer” applicable.
J.E.: Alison, I’ve never thought of it that way before. I like “queer” because it connotes solidarity.
LJM: I like that you like “lesbian.” I don’t think a lot of people do.
Alison: I think queer tries to be this “umbrella” term, but I don’t think it is and “lesbian” is old school sexy to me.
J.E.: I like “queer” because in a way, it makes me indistinguishable. I could be bisexual, I could be gender-queer, I could be a lesbian, but, either way, I am another member of my LGBT community, and I’m proud.
Alison: I like it. I can get that too. When I was coming out I identified as queer.
LJM: I came out as “gay” because I didn’t want a different term from gay men.
Alison: Do you think your gender ambiguity has anything to do with that?
LJM: Next question, do you have any thoughts on the 10th anniversary of The L Word?
J.E.: It just reminds me of how, back in high school, my mother caught me with my sister’s portable DVD player, watching an episode of Season 1, and thought I was watching lesbian porn.
LJM: You were.
Alison: I didn’t watch it until I came out. I was too busy living in a Sex and the City world of believing all women should have Brazilian waxes.
J.E.: I always get compared to Jenny Schechter, because I’m a Jewish writer, and then I counter it with, WAIT, GUYS, I AM NOT A CRAZY [redacted: spoiler].
Alison: You are not like Jenny, okay?
J.E.: Thank you, validation.
LJM: I really understand and relate to Marina.
J.E.: I relate to either Alice or Dana, because I have no social mores.
Alison: I love that.
LJM: I think you’re like Papi because you wear hats.
J.E.: I like hats! But I am not Papi. I can DEFINITELY see Alison as Alice.
LJM: Okay, and yes Alison is like Alice, but non-annoying. Also their names are similar.
J.E.: My dad thinks I’m gay because we went to Provincetown on a vacation when I was four and I drank the water.
Alison: Calling you “Papi” from now on, J.E.
J.E.: I HAVE MUCH BETTER TASTE IN HATS.
Alison: Sry Papi deal with it.
LJM: It looks like Brad Pike just dropped by the studio.
Brad Pike joined the conversation
Brad Pike: Hello!
J.E.: Hi Brad!
Alison: You’ve missed some BIG stuff, Brad. We’ve talked about the secret recipe to being a lez.
LJM: Brad, do you know any secret recipes?
Brad: I am not a good cook.
Alison: What is your favorite dish?
LJM: Mine is spaghetti, not that you asked.
Brad: Well, I just dumped a southwestern style Lean Cuisine into a burrito.
LJM: Are you gearing up for something?
Brad: I once blended a cupcake into a milkshake.
LJM: That’s just common sense.
Alison: Tell me more about that.
LJM: No don’t! Keep it a secret.
J.E.: Wait, do you guys actually cook?
Alison: I eat a hot breakfast at least 5 of the 7 days a week.
Brad: Why does it have to be hot? Is that important to you?
LJM: Last question, each of you tell me your go-to meal to cook for a special date/friend/robber?
Brad: For a robber, it would definitely be hot sauce and milk. And gum. Chewed up gum.
J.E.: For a date, poached salmon, risotto or rice pilaf from scratch, and either a rustic-style Caesar salad or kale Caesar.
Alison: Oh, let’s date.
Brad: Yes, me too, I will be on this date as well.
Alison: For a date I’ll do like Thai food. I’ve gotten great at curries.
Brad: Yeah me too. Chicken curry.
J.E.: For a robber, probably all of the groceries in my fridge, because that is my only wealth.
Alison: I have had my home broken into while I was there asleep and he cooked me a pile of his semen and needles, which was polite. It’s like if you’re gonna rob me, at least cook me something first!
Brad: Normally, you have to go on craigslist to get that sort of thing done for you.
LJM: By the way, I meant for each of you to choose one option. But I like how this totally got away from me.
J.E.: WAIT, what about what you would cook for a date with your enemy?
Alison: I would cook them meatballs on the grill, turkey ones.
LJM: I think we should wrap up.
Brad: Oh, Laura, can’t I tell you about something…before we wrap up?
Brad: My friend Andi Sharavsky recently wrote an article called the “Four Cutest Ways To Photograph Yourself Hugging Third World Children” and has, as you’d expect, gotten a lot of flack.
Alison: That shit is blowing up.
LJM: I feel like you were going to tell me something else about it though.
Brad: Well, how do you deal with the ever-present threat of psychopaths attacking you via the Internet?
LJM: I don’t think anyone who writes satire needs to worry about the stupid people who won’t get it.
J.E.: It’s just, you know, in the tradition of satire. So your friend is in good company.
LJM: Everyone is spoon-fed enough as it is.
Brad: Yes, agreed. That is true.
J.E.: I think the moral of the story is that everyone should eat Irish babies, AMIRITE?
LJM: I do that anyway.
Brad: Was there a conversation about Irish babies before I arrived?
LJM: Is that a reference?
Brad: I am just typing and then deleting hateful things about babies.
LJM: You mean thinking and then not saying.
Alison: Just say them, Brad.
Brad: I think eating a baby would be a mercy because by the time it’s an adult, this world will be an arid nightmare hellscape.
LJM: I think I had that poster on my dorm room wall in college.
Alison: The arid nightmare hellscape poster?
LJM: “Arid Nightmare Hellscape, no. 2”
J.E.: In Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”, Swift suggested that the poverty-stricken Irish should sell their babies as food to the wealthy British colonizers to make money. It was a piece of satire. It wasn’t received well, to say the least. But it was very successful satire, sort of a seminal text.
LJM: I’m not reading ANYTHING that’s even sort of covered in a man’s semen. Again.
Brad: Wow, that sounds very ahead of its time
J.E.: I had to read it in grad school.
Alison: My grad school experience is reading that piece Brad just mentioned.
LJM: So this is not the one where a guy offers an Irish baby one million dollars to sleep with his wife?
J.E.: It’s also that.
Brad: I’m pretty sure 95% of modern satire includes Irish babies–look at the Colbert Report.
J.E.: I would never eat an Irish baby. Irish babies are definitely not kosher. As are all babies.
LJM: Nice clarification.
J.E.: Cannibalism is definitely frowned upon in Judaism.
Brad: If the rules regarding cow-meat apply to people, then the younger, the more delicious.
Alison: Now we’re getting weird.
J.E.: You guys, as a Jew, joking about cannibalism is so not good for my public image.
LJM: It’s not great for mine as a non-Jewish person.
Brad: What if someone really wanted to be eaten? Like they’d fantasized about it since childhood and it was their highest aspiration?
LJM: Are we talking like a nibble of their finger?
J.E.: There are still so many anti-Semites that think matzah is made from the blood of Christian children. I’m not even joking.
Brad: Look, I believe in religious freedom, so you guys can do whatever you want.
J.E.: Oh lord.
Alison: Unfortunately that is not what religious freedom means.
LJM: Welp this is a great place to wrap up. Thanks so much guys!