What Your Christmas Tree Says About You

1. Fraser Fir  – You’re pretty traditional for a liberal. You wear a lot of sweaters and are a good listener.  People like to begin conversations with you by saying, “You know what you are?”  You are often played by a decent-looking comedian who is trying to crossover into film work. Also, you are a character in a romantic comedy.

2. Douglas Fir – You’re cosmopolitan. Not the adjective, the magazine. You give a ton of sex advice and sit on people’s coffee tables.

3. Blue Spruce –You have a beautiful family that you care about a great deal. But you should really get a job and stop watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

4. Scots Pine –You’re a good person with nice eyes. You’re going to fall madly in love with your best friend, and that Tupperware container full of pie will make you the happiest person in the whole wide world.

5. Normann Fir – You have a lot of crazy dreams. Most of them are about finding the proper medication for your night terrors.

6. Noble Fir – OMG!! You are DEFINITELY a Sagittarius. You are such a Sagittarius. It’s not even funny how much of a Sagittarius you are. Don’t you dare ask me what being a Sagittarius says about you. I’m a Virgo.

7. White Spruce – You hate Christmas because you are a ghost.  You have to run around haunting rich dicks all night and then your ghost kids wake you up super early to open presents. Also, do you know how difficult it is to wrap ghost toys without any hands?

8. Balsam Fir – You have an iPhone 7 and you don’t keep it in a case. Your Instagram account is just pictures of Bill Cosby and empty plates. Your friends are all really hoping you’ll find someone this year.  You just might.  I hope they take your insurance.

9. Fraudulent Fir, or a Fake Tree – You often order mozzarella sticks in restaurants. You know what the fuck you’re doing.

10. A Drawing of a Tree Taped to a Skylight – You are Olivia Pope. Enjoy using only your eyes and enormous bowls of popcorn to communicate your emotions.

11. No Tree – You do not celebrate Christmas. Or perhaps you do, but you neither have children, nor an unending supply of exhausting whimsy. Your lovers are very grateful.

12. Palm Tree – You are a dolphin.