1. Find all of your socks.
2. Start responding to the question, “How about next week?” with “No, sorry, next week I’m a dolphin.”
3. Do a lot of puzzles and drink a Cherry Coke.
4. Tape an umbrella to your sock in the morning. I don’t know if it’ll work, or even what would be indicative of it working, but just fucking do it! Doing stuff often improves lives.
5. Think of five things every day.
6. Take all your leftover paper bags from the supermarket, put them into a pile in your kitchen, and start calling them “goblins.” Your roommates will either really like it or get rid of them for you.
7. Try not to be so sad.
8. Avoid drugs unless you want to die, or be bad at being the mayor of something, have people mock your addiction and then forget about you.
9. Don’t do anything.
10. If you like singing in the bathroom, try it other places.
11. Look for reasons to say “thank you” to ghosts. They’re standing RIGHT there; don’t be rude.
12. Use a little less honey if you’re allergic to honey.
13. If someone you know has a headache rub an aspirin all over their body, especially their joints, because massages are a total aphrodisiac and sex is a great distraction from a headache.
14. Always keep a roll of duct tape around so that people who don’t want to just buy a goddamn wallet from a store have something to make a wallet out of in a pinch.
15. Keep a jar by the door and if anyone asks what it is for, break it over their head. You will save so much time without nosy people asking you so many questions.
16. Wield an ax.
17. Eat fourteen-fifteen small meals a day. Don’t take any pictures of them with your phone. Take the time to sketch them in charcoal, like you actually fucking care about what’s going into your body.
18. High-five anyone who looks like the have the guts to rescue a dog or person. That way when they finally do it, you won’t have to fight the crowds.
19. Respect the back of your head and upper neck area by keeping it free of debris and/or sunglasses.
20. Cold pizza is still pizza. Hot pizza is also still pizza. There is zero evidence that pizza transubstantiates, so don’t be afraid of it.
21. Reuse picture frames. Don’t just throw them out! Simply insert a new photograph inside of the frame. It sounds complicated, but it’s actually pretty easy.
22. In the summer, crack you car window to keep the interior cool. When it starts to get chilly out just tell your neighbors their kid did it and they’ll probably replace the window.
23. Separate your laundry, in order to keep it from being forced in a prolonged conflict with other laundry due to diplomatic entanglements.
24. Don’t talk on elevators. Just use that time to think about soft pretzels.
25. Never keep your matches in a plastic bag. That’s the first place match thieves will look for them. Store them in any kind of empty old container you have lying around—like if you’ve finished up that bottle of lighter fluid, tub of Vaseline, or even an old gas can will work.