How To Eat Candy And Tell Lies

You guys might not know this, but I am the host of an amazing podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect from a podcast recorded in a real studio with walls. This week, my guests are Brad Pike and Oliver Miller who eat candy and tell a lot of lies.
terren in Virginia
terren in Virginia

Laura Jayne Martin: Hi Oliver, Hi Brad. Welcome to my podcast.

Oliver Miller: Brad, so, “nice” of you to get here.

Brad Pike: Hey, Oliver. Thank you for indicating the sarcasm with quotes.

Oliver: I’m not actually a dick in real life. But gchat is so freeing in that way. Don’t you think? Er, podcasting I mean.

LJM: The theme of today’s totally real podcast is candy.

Oliver: Umm.

Brad: Are you for serious? Would you like this podcast to be 50,000 words?

LJM: This is an audio recording. So, Oliver, what was the last piece of candy you had?

Oliver: Ugh, I ate like six Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups yesterday. I’m on a diet, but then I never feel like eating real food, or any food. It’s sort of a wasting away to death diet.

LJM: Is that an offshoot of South Beach?

Oliver: Yeah. You move to South Beach and then you fucking die there.

Brad: I’m concerned.

Oliver: I’m fine! But I did have a moment where I decided that Reese’s Cups were the best candy of all. Otherwise I like really bland candy like Dots.

Brad: Grow up, Oliver. Dots? Who are you?

Oliver: My family is English; I mean have you seen English food?

Brad: On Downton Abbey.

LJM: Next question, let’s talk about your love life. Oliver, do you use candy to woo women?

Oliver: No.

Brad: I think she’s asking if you’re a pedophile.

Oliver: We—let’s not talk about my love life, um. So, Bradley…candy?

LJM: Oliver, off mic you specifically asked me to talk about your love life.

Oliver: I drew a picture of a hipster cat. Does anyone want to see it?

LJM: Also, Brad’s full name isn’t ‘Bradley.’ It’s Bradtopher.

Brad: That’s definitely not true.

Oliver: I’m tired of talking about candy. So I live in a rehab now; again.

LJM: What’s the food situation like in rehab?

Oliver: It’s good! We get it from Trader Joes!

LJM: What’s your bedroom like? Is it better than Brad’s?

Brad: Why are you in this facility, Oliver?

Oliver: Oh, for drinking. I’ve been sober for three months.

LJM: Congrats.

Oliver: You may now congr–Thanks.

LJM: Back to what’s important, your room verses Brad’s?

Oliver: My room is okay.

LJM: What about privacy if you have a date?

Oliver: Well, there are these cute heroin addicts.

Brad: I always noticed on Intervention some of the people were very attractive.

Oliver: How’s YOUR love life, Brad?

LJM: Yeah, Brad, do you bring anyone candy?

Brad: Nonexistent, same as last podcast.

Oliver: How many people from TC have we all slept with? I’ve slept with [REDACTED].

Brad: Are people sleeping with each other and no one told me?

LJM: On a related note, how is your bedroom?

Brad: Right now, my bedroom is ever so slightly nicer than when last seen.

Oliver: Did you add more Christmas lights—to increase the sad, bombed-out, dorm room feel of it?

Brad: I replaced the broken sleeping bag with a blanket and sheets.

Oliver: Yes, so, my room in a fucking rehab IS nicer than Brad’s room, apparently.

LJM: Next question, what is the biggest/worst lie you ever told?

Oliver: Oh god, I know instantly.

Brad: Go ahead, Oliver

Oliver: It reflects poorly on me.

LJM: Unlike everything else you’ve said until now.

Oliver: I SAID THAT MY DAD DIED TO GET OUT OF WORK FOR AOL/THE HUFFINGTON POST. I’m sorry.

LJM: Well, you were said it was the worst lie you ever told.

Oliver: But I hate when people get out of work by being like, “My sister’s best friend is in the hospital.” And I did the lie because I’m such a bad liar.

LJM: You hate that because you’d like them to go BIGGER?

Oliver: Because I was so afraid that they’d be like, “bullshit, your sister’s best friend isn’t in the hospital.”

Brad: Eh, it only goes wrong when everyone in the office gets you a card or something.

Oliver: Awful. Kill me. That’s an eternity of bad karma forever there.

Brad: I once told my teacher I’d read the summer reading, and then when an essay came up, I wrote it on a made-up version of what I thought the book might be about.

LJM: What book?

Brad: Into the Wild. I thought it was like Hatchet.

LJM: Whoops.

Brad: I made up that a guy crashed in the woods. Then he made a bunch of stuff that got eaten by a bear and he met a native named “Agunthu” who symbolized the courage within us all.

LJM: I like this BETTER than Into the Wild.

Brad: The punishment was a grade of 1 on the essay.

LJM: You should write, “Into the Wild, Reimagined.”

Oliver: Awesome.

Brad: I asked a girl what happens in the book and she said the guy dies.

LJM: At least you knew that part.

Brad: But I changed it for the essay because, once I got into it, I felt like my character deserved a happier ending after all he’d been through.

LJM: The first lie I told was that Jesus Christ colored on the wall of the living room in my family’s apartment, when I had, in fact, done it.

Oliver: Okay, I have to go buy a belt soon.

LJM: Well, thanks for being on my 100% real podcast. TC mark

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