Laura Jayne Martin: Hi Oliver, Hi Brad. Welcome to my podcast.
Oliver Miller: Brad, so, “nice” of you to get here.
Brad Pike: Hey, Oliver. Thank you for indicating the sarcasm with quotes.
Oliver: I’m not actually a dick in real life. But gchat is so freeing in that way. Don’t you think? Er, podcasting I mean.
LJM: The theme of today’s totally real podcast is candy.
Brad: Are you for serious? Would you like this podcast to be 50,000 words?
LJM: This is an audio recording. So, Oliver, what was the last piece of candy you had?
Oliver: Ugh, I ate like six Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups yesterday. I’m on a diet, but then I never feel like eating real food, or any food. It’s sort of a wasting away to death diet.
LJM: Is that an offshoot of South Beach?
Oliver: Yeah. You move to South Beach and then you fucking die there.
Brad: I’m concerned.
Oliver: I’m fine! But I did have a moment where I decided that Reese’s Cups were the best candy of all. Otherwise I like really bland candy like Dots.
Brad: Grow up, Oliver. Dots? Who are you?
Oliver: My family is English; I mean have you seen English food?
Brad: On Downton Abbey.
LJM: Next question, let’s talk about your love life. Oliver, do you use candy to woo women?
Brad: I think she’s asking if you’re a pedophile.
Oliver: We—let’s not talk about my love life, um. So, Bradley…candy?
LJM: Oliver, off mic you specifically asked me to talk about your love life.
Oliver: I drew a picture of a hipster cat. Does anyone want to see it?
LJM: Also, Brad’s full name isn’t ‘Bradley.’ It’s Bradtopher.
Brad: That’s definitely not true.
Oliver: I’m tired of talking about candy. So I live in a rehab now; again.
LJM: What’s the food situation like in rehab?
Oliver: It’s good! We get it from Trader Joes!
LJM: What’s your bedroom like? Is it better than Brad’s?
Brad: Why are you in this facility, Oliver?
Oliver: Oh, for drinking. I’ve been sober for three months.
Oliver: You may now congr–Thanks.
LJM: Back to what’s important, your room verses Brad’s?
Oliver: My room is okay.
LJM: What about privacy if you have a date?
Oliver: Well, there are these cute heroin addicts.
Brad: I always noticed on Intervention some of the people were very attractive.
Oliver: How’s YOUR love life, Brad?
LJM: Yeah, Brad, do you bring anyone candy?
Brad: Nonexistent, same as last podcast.
Oliver: How many people from TC have we all slept with? I’ve slept with [REDACTED].
Brad: Are people sleeping with each other and no one told me?
LJM: On a related note, how is your bedroom?
Brad: Right now, my bedroom is ever so slightly nicer than when last seen.
Oliver: Did you add more Christmas lights—to increase the sad, bombed-out, dorm room feel of it?
Brad: I replaced the broken sleeping bag with a blanket and sheets.
Oliver: Yes, so, my room in a fucking rehab IS nicer than Brad’s room, apparently.
LJM: Next question, what is the biggest/worst lie you ever told?
Oliver: Oh god, I know instantly.
Brad: Go ahead, Oliver
Oliver: It reflects poorly on me.
LJM: Unlike everything else you’ve said until now.
Oliver: I SAID THAT MY DAD DIED TO GET OUT OF WORK FOR AOL/THE HUFFINGTON POST. I’m sorry.
LJM: Well, you were said it was the worst lie you ever told.
Oliver: But I hate when people get out of work by being like, “My sister’s best friend is in the hospital.” And I did the lie because I’m such a bad liar.
LJM: You hate that because you’d like them to go BIGGER?
Oliver: Because I was so afraid that they’d be like, “bullshit, your sister’s best friend isn’t in the hospital.”
Brad: Eh, it only goes wrong when everyone in the office gets you a card or something.
Oliver: Awful. Kill me. That’s an eternity of bad karma forever there.
Brad: I once told my teacher I’d read the summer reading, and then when an essay came up, I wrote it on a made-up version of what I thought the book might be about.
LJM: What book?
Brad: Into the Wild. I thought it was like Hatchet.
Brad: I made up that a guy crashed in the woods. Then he made a bunch of stuff that got eaten by a bear and he met a native named “Agunthu” who symbolized the courage within us all.
LJM: I like this BETTER than Into the Wild.
Brad: The punishment was a grade of 1 on the essay.
LJM: You should write, “Into the Wild, Reimagined.”
Brad: I asked a girl what happens in the book and she said the guy dies.
LJM: At least you knew that part.
Brad: But I changed it for the essay because, once I got into it, I felt like my character deserved a happier ending after all he’d been through.
LJM: The first lie I told was that Jesus Christ colored on the wall of the living room in my family’s apartment, when I had, in fact, done it.
Oliver: Okay, I have to go buy a belt soon.
LJM: Well, thanks for being on my 100% real podcast.