1. Liz Lemon – This drug is kind of like Molly, but instead of dancing wildly, you zanily eat cheese in bathtubs and hope someone finds it endearing.
2. Cokane – A knock-off version of cocaine compose entirely of Diet Coke, candy canes, and spiders.
3. Life – It’s crazy, but true: there used to be ACTUAL life in Life cereal. However, that was back in the 1800s. Life is extremely dangerous; it will fuck you up. People who are high on life say stupid shit like, “I’m high on life.”
4. Banjole – It turns your legs into your arms.
5. Toothpaste – So many people don’t know that toothpaste is a drug. Or I should say that it becomes a drug when, like so many household products, it is used incorrectly.
6. Dorg – Everything tastes like metal, but in a good way. Some people also call this drug “blood,” because this drug is just pure human blood.
7. Power – If you are doing this drug, you probably own numerous expensive topcoats, are amazing at holding up your hand to stop people who are just entering a room from talking to you when you’re on the phone, and are embroiled in dozens of scandalous episodes, but zero episodes of Scandal.
8. Music – This drug is unfortunately responsible for far too many terrible choices and haircuts.
9. Speed 3 – This drug is a lot like Speed, but without a boat, a bus, or a terrible plot. Interestingly enough, some people theorize Keanu Reeves was on Speed 3 when he made Speed.
10. Charles – This is a drug that was huge in the ‘80s. In order to avoid arrest, people usually hid it in the shoulder pads of their blazers. Police were slow to crack down on the street trade of Charles, because for a long time they were erroneously looking for an exuberant gay man who was great at parties—of which there is no dearth.
11. Heron –This fast-acting drug is made from the ground-up legs of fresh-water birds and will leave you full of ‘egret.’
12. Big League Chew – It’s a lot like the gum, only better tasting.
13. Crow’s Caw – It is purple and it speeds up your heart until it gives you a heart orgasm. 100% legal in Europe and San Francisco.
14. Sex – Without a doubt the most expensive on the list, this drug will make you send a tremendous amount of ill-advised text messages. This heinous devil is the drug most people are high on when they agree to appear in eHarmony commercials.
15. Breaking Bad – Sadly, so many people I know are addicted to forcing this show on people.