1. That awkward moment when instead of your Tuesday birth control pill you accidentally take your parrot’s anti-psychotic medication.
2. That awkward moment when you murder an elf in cold blood, but Santa is, like, right there.
3. That awkward moment when you tell your mom she’s adopted. You adopted your own mom?! #WTF?
4. That awkward moment when a rat bites you in the foot and you haven’t shaved your legs in like a week, so you know they saw your leg hair.
5. That awkward moment when you show up to your very first professional football game and, like, thirty other guys are wearing THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT.
6. That awkward moment when you sniff a dog’s crotch and they don’t sniff you back.
7. That awkward moment when you give someone at work a bag of mushrooms JUST TO BE NICE and everyone makes the biggest deal out of it.
8. That awkward moment when your phone autocorrects “kthx” to “thx.”
9. That awkward moment when you coat your face in Vaseline as part of a seventeen-step nighttime beauty regime at the EXACT TIME the maître d’ tells you that your table is ready.
10. That awkward moment when you turn a doorknob in the wrong direction because you’re trying to leave a room in a hurry, but then you realize it’s actually a penis.
11. That awkward moment when you get a bunch of scrubs after you SPECIFICALLY asked for no scrubs.
12. That awkward moment when your girlfriend thinks you’re going to propose, but your girlfriend is an elevator and the two of you can never be together—because you’re really afraid of commitment.
13. That awkward moment when you think you recognize someone from your high school, but it’s actually just a serial killer who terrorized your high school.
14. That awkward moment when you try to crush a beer can on your head and it, like, just won’t go down, and then some dickbag tells you that you can’t drink in The White House.
15. That awkward moment when you run into your ex on a White House tour because he works for the United States Park Police and is trying to arrest you.
16. That awkward moment when you find a dime on the sidewalk, but it’s, like, AWKWARDLY shiny. #tooshinydimes
17. That awkward moment when you are talking to someone and nothing of note happens. It is just completely pleasant throughout your fluid, convivial exchange of dialogue, so then you start barfing. Because when nothing awkward happens, it’s SO AWKWARD.
18. That awkward moment when you confuse an aardvark with your middle school gym teacher.
19. That awkward moment when your cell phone starts vibrating in class and the teacher is like, “Whose cell phone is that? This is a kindergarten. Are you an adult? Hey, sir… stop him!!!”
20. That awkward moment when you realize your crush is just a bottle of orange soda.
21. That awkward moment when you are waving to someone from a burning building and they mistakenly think you want to be rescued and you’re like, “Umm, no sorry, way to overreact. I WAS JUST WAVING.”
22. That awkward moment when a super sexy song comes on the radio and your grandpa is in the car and he’s been dead for, like, eighteen years.
23. That awkward moment when you are trying to finish a drink, so you tip the glass, and all the ice falls out on your face—even though you have a restraining order against all solidified liquids. So you start crying and your labored breathing syncs up with the rhythm between you and your current sex partner—the one you are making love with right at that moment. So they stop moving for a split second and you totally make eye contact, which you hadn’t done since they removed their mask. Suddenly you’re like, “Wait, are we cousins?” Then after you finish having sex, they stay for breakfast, and you talk about the show Cougar Town. Unfortunately, at some point it becomes clear that they are confusing Courtney Cox with Courtney Thorne-Smith and they’re actually talking about Two and a Half Men, which you had already mentioned you hated at the masquerade ball the night before. #superhugeawkward
24. That awkward moment when you trip on the stairs in front of everyone and they all stare at you for so long you forget to tell them that you’re all supposed to evacuate the embassy.
25. That awkward moment when you get your period in school for the first time and you don’t have any tampons because you’re a guy.