Just in time for Halloween! Here are twelve sexy/scary stories from queer writers and other queers-about-town. Not a single one of them wanted to be credited. I wonder why? I promise these are not all my stories. Seriously. And if one of them happens to be mine, it’s not the one with the snake. Or is it? Please enjoy these spooktacular sexy/scary tales.
1. “Basically a woman tried to break into out apartment while we were having sex. I called 911. I told them someone is trying to break into my apartment. Then I thought, ‘I’m not dying naked’ and ran to the bathroom for a robe. It turned out to be our disturbed neighbor. No, we did not finish after the cops left.”
2. “I understand that some people might be into this, and that’s great, but this was very scary to me. She really wanted me to drink breast milk — from HER breasts.”
3. “Once I ended up in an apartment with the intention of having a threesome. I did not realize, but this was made possible by someone’s fixation on my foreskin. Questions like: ‘How different does it feel from being cut?’ were asked. I wasn’t sure what I was expected to say. Then came the tougher question: ‘Do you slam?’ So I said ‘goodnight,’ or probably ‘good morning.’”
4. “I was 19 and living upstate with my grandma for the summer. Because I was living with my grandma, I always threw out my condoms in the outside garbage, that way there was never even a remote chance of her coming across one. If you knew my grandma you’d understand this better. Anyway, it was pretty late and I crept down to the outside garbage cans to do just that. That’s when I heard a weird noise, so I walked a few steps out into the driveway to investigate.
It was eerie, because this house is way outside of town. A bat flew by, which like, of course—a bat darts out of nowhere when I’m freaked out in the dark, typical. I told myself I was being paranoid and turned to walk back into the house. That’s when the lights from my uncle’s car hit me square in the torso. I looked up to see my grandma in the passenger seat and her squinting reaction to the sight of my naked body, smattered with blood.
Apparently, my uncle was driving her home from babysitting his kids. Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but I was drunk and my sleepover sex guest had her period.”
5. “I once had a threesome, well a foursome, if you count the snake. I want to stress that nothing sexual was done to, or with, the snake. It was just terrifyingly present.”
6. “In college, I went back to a stranger’s apartment with this girl I was really into at the time. We had been drinking at this very seedy bar when we met him. Therefore, I was somewhat skeptical of the stranger, but I really, really liked this girl. Also, this was back when I was young and stupid.
Anyway, we ended up playing board games for, like, three hours. It felt like the beginning of some kind of ritualistic, board game-related serial killing. All of his Scrabble words were weapons, body parts, or otherwise disturbing. Every time he went to the bathroom, I was like ‘We gotta get out of here!’ In retrospect, I could have had a better threesome.”
7. “I was making out with my high school boyfriend at the top of his cul-de-sac, when the e-brake on his mom’s Explorer failed. The car rolled safely into some roadside hedges. Closest that boyfriend ever got to bush.”
8. “My first truly sexual experience was in the back of a haunted house. However, the scariest thing about it was that I had no idea what I was doing. I relied mainly on a description of fellatio tips I had heard on an episode of Love Phones, a night-time sex advice call-in show on Z100.”
9. “I was rolling at a campout-type party with a bonfire. Things were getting hot and heavy (technical term) in my tent, when suddenly, people were shouting. My ‘lover’ and I jumped up and started sprinting toward the woods away from the cops. I was pushing tree branches out of my face. I have never run so fast. I remember coming down the side of a ravine so quickly that I couldn’t tell if I was running or just falling. Once we got to the other side of the woods, we had to walk six miles to get home. Later we learned the people were shouting because someone thought they saw a bear. But then it turned out there was no bear. Don’t do drugs, kids.”
10. “The first time I ever hooked up with the girl I’m dating now, she took me home to her place. She had just moved in and didn’t know her roommates very well yet. They both worked in the restaurant industry, so had somewhat abnormal schedules. They thought she was out for the night. She thought they were out for the night. Long story short we ruined a surprise party and I almost had a heart attack when thirty people jumped out from behind stuff screaming “Happy Birthday!”
11. “I was hooking up with a girl on the rooftop of her industrial loft building. We rolled over and the soft roof surface had somewhat dented. We stood up to go inside and a huge firework blew up, like, right over our heads. It scared the shit out of us. Someone from another rooftop had shot it off. It was NOT the 4th of July. It was NOT EVEN SUMMER!
You probably thought I was going to say the roof caved in. Nope. That didn’t happen until the next morning when we were sleeping below. Chunks of old insulation, building material and what I can only describe as ‘soot’ fell into the sitting area leaving a two-foot hole where we’d been the night before. I stopped seeing her a week later.”
12. “I was on an airplane with my dad when he gave me the sex talk. I’m not sure what his logic was; I think maybe he just forgot to do it until right then. He was taking me to college. Also, I am petrified of flying and I puked halfway through it.”