1. Bow Tie
A lot of people think bow tie is the most formal pasta. They are dead wrong. Bow tie pasta is actually only semi-formal. You could be thrown out of a window for eating it after six p.m. at any country club in the Northeast Corridor. Sidenote: the best type of pasta for being thrown through a window is called “the defenestration noodle.” Oh sorry, did you think I was going to say something like, “ Defenestrationoni?” Well I’m not a bigoted idiot, so I don’t say things like that or run the Barilla Corporation.
In the 1700s, students wove baker’s twine around Rotini noodles and then hooked it through their parchment to make the world’s first spiral notebooks. That is where we got the famous excuse: “The dog cooked and ate my homework with a creamy Alfredo sauce.”
3. Angel Hair
Angel hair, or Capellini pasta, is often misunderstood as being named due to its fine, follicle-like, strands of noodle. In reality, Capellini derives its nickname from being the only product to ever tame the supernaturally thick mane of television hunk David Boreanaz.
Most people don’t know that this pasta began as a penis-protector for lab mice. It wasn’t sold as a food until 1971.
This pasta is the favorite of President Woodrow Wilson, Wilson Phillips, Phillip Phillips, and Wilson the Volleyball. But only ONE of them has ever admitted it.
Everyone knows this pasta is delicious, but few know that it is far-and-away the most feared pasta by all the other pastas. It is also the inspiration behind Ribbon Dancer the failed NBC show about anal-retentive neat freak named “David Ribbon” who ends up moving into a two-bedroom apartment with Santa’s Reindeer “Dancer”, a notorious slob.
Every strand of purebred spaghetti can trace its lineage back to one noodle, “Old Reliable.” Old Reliable was originally eighteen kilometers long and baked in the same pot used by Strega Nona, the grandmother witch. Old Reliable’s descendants have been served at hundreds of world-renowned restaurants and millions of pasta parties over the years. It pairs remarkably well with a nice red wine or red Gatorade.
But don’t only try these seven! One of the best parts about pasta is the variety of different shapes, colors, styles—you’d have to be a fucking moron to limit yourself to a singular type of pasta or to suggest that others do the same. Branch out and try ALL the different types of pasta out there. Even if you’re gluten intolerant, there are still plenty of options for you to enjoy. And if you’re just plain intolerant, there’s always Barilla.