Sex and music go together like peanut butter and jelly and disgusting pornographic jokes. You never forget certain songs, especially the song you lose your virginity to, or the song that causes your virginity to actually grow back because the lyrics are so bad. Thanks to a random track from The Omnivore’s Dilemma audiobook, I will either never have sex or never eat corn again. I asked some writers and friends to share their greatest hits and misses. It’s a lot like High School Musical, but instead of high schoolers, it’s a bunch of weirdo sex memories.
Maybe six or seven years ago (holy god), I had my first OKCupid date. I was obsessed with him until we met, at which point I kind of hated him. But his profile said he thought “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” by the Beatles was the perfect sex song, and I was really intrigued and impressed by that (…) despite hating this guy. So I tried using it as mood music, with someone I really liked, a year or so later… and I realized that song is only good for sex if you’re like, on heroin or Johnny Depp starring in Blow or something. It was the most awkward, try-hard experience I’d ever had. I think we laughed at how not sexy it was, which was the only sexy part about it (sorry, Beatles). I’ve never wanted to listen to sex music again.
My sex song is “Ghosts” by Thomas Newman from the Road to Perdition Soundtrack. It’s from the scene where Tom Hanks guns down Paul Newman’s bodyguards and then emerges ominously from the rain and fog like an angel of death. Right at the moment Paul Newman says this one particular line, I like to look into the girl’s eyes and say, “I’m glad it’s you.” Then I come.
In our early years of dating, I wanted an ecstasy like experience, so I insisted on us fornicating to the rhythm of techno music and it was jarring and not pleasurable.
I once had the pleasure of receiving… well… pleasure… at a concert. I am now stuck enjoying the band’s songs a little too much when they come on the radio, which is unfortunately pretty often, and sort of odd because their lyrics are super bizarre and mythical.
I will do it with anyone or anything if a song by The Knife is on. Also, I got a boner from the NJ tourism theme song “Stronger than the Storm,” well not FROM it, but while it was playing—you know what? Don’t use my real name for this.
I never have sex to music. When you’re not that good at something, you don’t go throwing in extra distractions to make it more complicated. Like, if for some reason I found myself tight-rope walking, I wouldn’t ask them to toss some Megadeth on the loud speakers just to make things a little more interesting.
A dark horse contender for the esteemed superlative of ‘most bang-able song’ would have to go to Barry Manilow’s “Mandy.” The lull of soft rock, or ‘easy-listening,’ is not only toothsome, but falls into the niche category of ‘Love Songs for Women, by Women’. Barry Manilow is a lesbian, right? Adversely, Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window” makes me want to push anyone in the general vicinity out of a window.
Pretty sure I am a lesbian because a dude I had sex with insisted we listen to DMB on repeat, or what may have just been a DMB song that was several hours long.
One time I was hooking up with someone I had recently met—we were still early on in the dating phase. We were at this person’s apartment that had a “cool, sexy” music mix going, and then all of a sudden at a moment of climax, John Williams’ “Carol of the Bells” came on, loud and august, and wintry.
CocoRosie’s La maison de mon rêve: I am very uncertain about a lot of how my music ended up in my iTunes, but there was a time when I was in college—and before I thought Sleigh Bells were the sound of the future and MIA was going to change the world—that this album really was the best one to be cheesy with and find myself naked, surrounded by people, who at one point meant everything, then nothing, now something to me.
Our neighbor in the next building—we don’t actually know who he is or what he looks like—has started playing Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” right in the middle of [when my girlfriend and I are having] sex. It makes me feel like I’m about to board a roller coaster… I mean… maybe that’s the point.
Anything by Biggie. Is that weird?
I barely know how to use computers, and I don’t have random sex with new people that often, but when I do, I hit “shuffle,” and like hope for the best, and usually something good like The Postal Service will play, but then inevitably, something horrendous will start playing that exposes my true personality, my true soul, if you will, like the He-Man theme song or ‘Movin’ Right Along’ from The Muppet Movie. So I should probably get better with computers.
112’s “Anywhere” is the most sexually triggering song ever.
For years I’ve suffered in silence over my embarrassing inability to understand Def Leppard’s strip club staple, “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Writing sex lyrics is tricky business – should you make them unabashedly literal, or try to get your message across with thinly veiled metaphors and euphemisms? After much debate, I’m still not sure which method Def Leppard chose. “Pour some sugar on me”? When combined with (tasteful) lyrics like “You got the peaches/I got the cream,” there seems to be some clear seminal implications. But why sugar? Also, is “pour” really an accurate verb? And why is he asking her to pour it on him, anyway? Or is the song just a celebration of food fetishes? WHY CAN’T I LET THIS GO?
Please feel free to contribute your best, worst, and weirdest sex songs in the comments. The first person to mention 90’s R&B wins a free box of “GinuWine”, the new sex wine that I am selling. It will be marketed largely based on the physical attraction of Ginuwine’s songs and, to a lesser extent, Ginuwine. I’m SO ANXIOUS for you to try some.