Laura Jayne Martin: Hey Josh!
Josh Gondelman: Hi Laura!
Laura Jayne Martin: Thanks for being on my 100% real podcast, welcome.
Josh Gondelman: Thanks for having me. That’s a weird thing to say about a podcast, that it’s 100% real.
Laura Jayne Martin: I just like to be reassuring.
Josh Gondelman: Okay, sure!
Laura Jayne Martin: This podcast is so real that seven strangers once tried to live in it.
Josh Gondelman: Is that a benchmark of authenticity? Like, my butt is real. But… you know.
Laura Jayne Martin: MTV and I would like to think so.
Josh Gondelman: That only worked for Worlds, I once thought. Anyway! Let’s stop being polite and start being real! How are you?
Laura Jayne Martin: I’m fantastic; thanks! The REAL question is how are you?
Josh Gondelman: I’m doing well. Fighting off a summer cold, which I hate! Otherwise things are very good.
Laura Jayne Martin: Those are the worst. Will you take a vacation to feel better? Do you even take vacations? What I really want to know is if you’ve ever used “summer” as a verb?
Josh Gondelman: I have not! But I’m going to “weekend” on Cape Cod this weekend at a family reunion. Even though I think “weekend” as a verb means habitually doing it. And this is only once.
Laura Jayne Martin: A family reunion!! Sounds like a lot of fun and also a Tyler Perry movie. Will there be a three-legged race?
Josh Gondelman: Probably not, more likely scrabble and pickup basketball. My younger cousins are at an age where they’re no longer little, and therefore can beat me at sports.
Laura Jayne Martin: Before this they just stood on each other’s shoulders and wore trench coats to beat you?
Josh Gondelman: Yeah, and that makes you VERY poor at lateral movement.
Laura Jayne Martin: Yeah, they probably weren’t very good at Scrabble.
Josh Gondelman: No way. The sturdiest/oldest one was covered by a trench coat the whole time and couldn’t see the board.
Laura Jayne Martin: So, we once platonically shared some nachos and it was amazing. What do you think is the most romantic snack food to share?
Josh Gondelman: Great question. Popcorn is an early-romance classic, probably mostly because people go on dates to the movies. Anything that’s not too messy. Hummus is not romantic. Neither are Doritos, though. Chocolate-covered strawberries. That’s romance. They’re juicy, but the juice is encased in firm, boundary-respecting chocolate. It’s a metaphor for something. Not exactly sure what.
Laura Jayne Martin: Hmm, I can’t quite put my finger in it. I mean ON it!
Josh Gondelman: Either!
Laura Jayne Martin: Great answer; you were really thorough.
Josh Gondelman: Thanks. I strive for completeness.
Laura Jayne Martin: So next question is two questions. First question: what John Hughes movie would you most like to see remade as a DMX vehicle? My second question is: Ginuwine or R. Kelly?
Josh Gondelman: 1.) I’d like to see him as maybe the principal in a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake. Starring Kendrick Lamar as Ferris. 2.) R. Kelly’s body of musical work, although my girlfriend would disagree. Ginuwine’s lack of being a sex offender.
Laura Jayne Martin: DMX might be great as Jake Ryan in Pretty in Pink, but he barely speaks so I think his talent would be wasted.
Josh Gondelman: I want to hear that voice!
Laura Jayne Martin: Exactly! Next question, what are your thoughts on exercise?
Josh Gondelman: I’m pro-exercise but bad at getting myself to do it. I’ve always enjoyed just playing active games, like basketball. But whatever works for you. CrossFit. RedCrossFit (that’s where you exercise after you donate blood and get crazy lightheaded). HolyCrossFit (that’s at a college in Worcester, MA). Whatever makes you feel healthy.
Laura Jayne Martin: I heard HolyCrossFit has too many core requirements, is that true?
Josh Gondelman: Yeah, your abs get an amazing workout, but you don’t get to do any electives with your arms and legs.
Laura Jayne Martin: Next question, what’s your favorite basketball movie?
Josh Gondelman: I liked Hoop Dreams when I saw it years ago. Basketball has a lot of good movies. Baseball maybe the best overall? But the game is so slow you can watch a baseball game and a feature film concurrently. I’m maybe going to write a movie with a friend about a little kid who wins a dog show like the inverse of Air Bud.
Laura Jayne Martin: I hope there’s a part for DMX in there.
Josh Gondelman: He could play the dad. He’s getting up there in years. Is this podcast DMX-themed?
Laura Jayne Martin: The theme of this podcast is just that it exists. And that it is definitely not just us gchatting.
Josh Gondelman: That’s a weird format for a podcast. How do people listen to it?
Laura Jayne Martin: So my last question —
Josh Gondelman: Okay…
Laura Jayne Martin: What did you want to be when you were a little kid?
Josh Gondelman: I had so many ambitions! I wanted to be an astronaut/lawyer for a while. And also a comedian. I had joke books. And I wanted my parents to take me to a comedy club so I could present them out loud. And they were like: That’s not how it works. And I was like: I’m pretty sure it is.
Laura Jayne Martin: That is adorable. Also astronaut/lawyer is a pretty ambitious multi-hyphenate. Did you want to practice Space Law?
Josh Gondelman: I don’t think that was the plan specifically, or even that I knew what a lawyer did.
Laura Jayne Martin: Most people don’t. By most people I mean me.
Josh Gondelman: I have a better handle now than I did then.
Laura Jayne Martin: It’s weird because when I was little all I wanted to be when I grew up was someone who knew what a lawyer did.
Josh Gondelman: Neither of us achieved our dreams!
Laura Jayne Martin: I think we’re both WELL on our way. All you need is some freeze-dried food.
Josh Gondelman: And all you need is a dictionary!
Laura Jayne Martin: Well thanks so much, Josh, for coming on this completely real podcast. It’s been a real treat having you.
Josh Gondelman: Sure. Still not sold that it’s a podcast, but it’s been a pleasure on gchat!
Laura Jayne Martin: Agree to disagree. See you next time on this totally real podcast that is real.