12 Ways To Avoid Catching “Summertime Sadness”

As with any illness, or episode of Two and a Half Men, prevention is key. As it stands, if nothing drastic is done, this year Summertime Sadness is liable to reach pandemic proportions. We don’t have nearly enough clinics, manpower, or pints of ice cream to combat an outbreak of that level. Once you contract Summertime Sadness, your options are limited. Currently, Summertime Sadness can only be cured by a secondary infection, such as Autumnal Anxiety. So please be safe out there and follow these critical prevention techniques.

1. Keep your attendance to a minimum at the following events: beach parties, clambakes, cookouts, BBQs and bonfires. Thousands of people every year contract Summertime Sadness and/or food poisoning from these seemingly harmless occasions.

2. Stock up on earplugs. Listening to any music produced by any singer or band can put you at risk of Summertime Sadness. This is particularly true if Pitchfork has described their music as “hazy”, “lo-fi”, or “blown-out”.  If it has been or will be used in a movie by Sofia Coppola: this is a Summertime Sadness emergency; look for the nearest lab safety shower. Let the shower water run into your ears until they are cleansed of melancholy.

3. Avoid Blonds. Asymptomatic carriers of Summertime Sadness, Blonds are a near-human species that exist on a strict diet of chewing gum and human hearts.

4. Avoid anything wistful. To be safer, you should avoid things that are even half full of wist. Just avoid wist of any kind.

5. No fireworks.

6. If you somehow end up on a rooftop, quickly close your eyes or use anything handy to shield them from the sunset and/or nearest Metropolitan skyline.

7. Stay inside and remain as un-tanned as possible. People with suntans are twice as likely to catch Summertime Sadness. For extra protection, slather yourself in sunscreen, calamine lotion, or honestly, your best bet is a full body condom.

8. Wash your hands frequently because this is the best way to avoid holding hands with anyone else. 10% of every hand held in the month of July results in at least one case of Summertime Sadness.

9. Avoid Lana Del Rey. When it comes to Summertime Sadness she is the Michael Jordan of Typhoid Marys.

10. Don’t go swimming with anyone else, especially after dark, unless it’s in a swamp. It is very unlikely you will contract Summertime Sadness, from swimming in dirty swamp water. However, it is very likely you will contract a myriad of other water-borne illnesses. On the upside, most water-borne illnesses also prevent you from contracting Summertime Sadness by forcing your extended hospitalization.

11. Avoid alcohol. However, if you do mistakenly imbibe alcohol make sure you drink enough to remove any romantic desire or desirability that you may have originally possessed.  A good measure of this is to drink until you no longer have the ability to “meet eyes” with anyone across a crowded room.

12. Don’t kiss anyone. Mouth-kissing, otherwise known as “tonguing” by weirdoes, is an extremely common way to get a ferocious case of Summertime Sadness. Usually symptoms of the disease show up after an incubation period of 4-6 weeks. Also, don’t date anyone, have sex with anyone, and most importantly don’t fall in love.  Falling in love is the most common root cause for all cases of Summertime Sadness.  If you or someone you know has recently fallen in love, the best thing you can do is to quarantine yourself/them in a kiddie pool with a twelve-week supply of hot dogs, and hope by some small miracle you/they make it out of the summer alive. TC mark

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image – Tyler Burrus

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