Brian Donovan entered the conversation.
Laura Jayne Martin: Hey Brian!
Brian Donovan: Hey, are we on?
Laura Jayne Martin: Yep, I don’t do an intro or anything. We’re recording. Thanks so much for being a guest on my totally 100% real podcast today!
Brian Donovan: You’re welcome. I’ve done podcasts a bunch over the computer before, but usually we have to call in on Skype or use garage band. Which one of those are we doing today?
Laura Jayne Martin: We’re are using my studio, which is based in gchat, but it’s a fully real podcast studio that is completely not fake.
Brian Donovan: Do you know what a studio is?
Laura Jayne Martin: First question, what’s your favorite discontinued beverage?
Brian Donovan: TAB is my favorite discontinued beverage, even though I think it’s not actually discontinued. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TAB STANDS FOR?
Laura Jayne Martin: No, tell me!
Brian Donovan: I feel like I’m gonna use caps a bunch, just to make readers think maybe I’m crazy.
Laura Jayne Martin: Our listeners love crazy, that’s why I had Oliver on. I’ll just edit that out later. Also, the mics are picking you up great, there’s no need to shout.
Brian Donovan: PRETTY SURE MY MIC IS OFF/DOESN’T EXIST. Okay, I’ve buried the lead. TAB = Totally Artificial Beverage
Laura Jayne Martin: Like how “beef” stands for “Brown Edible Eat Food?”
Brian Donovan: I’m pretty sure that isn’t true. But PORK = Please Order Rice, Karl.
Laura Jayne Martin: Why won’t Karl EVER order rice?
Brian Donovan: Allergies. It’s sad really.
Laura Jayne Martin: Then he gets home and I’m like “Where is the rice, Karl?” and he’s like, “Who are you? I live alone.”
Brian Donovan: When does he get a podcast?
Laura Jayne Martin: So what do you think of the whole “Robots are always funnier than men” debate-troversy?
Brian Donovan: I think robots are funnier than everything, except cats, obviously. One day there will be a robot cat, and the world will never stop laughing. Wars and famine will cease.
Laura Jayne Martin: That has got to be true. I’m very sorry about your cat, by the way.
Brian Donovan: Thank you. She was the best. The very, very best. I think you’re the only TC writer who doesn’t delve into cats. What’s your problem?
Laura Jayne Martin: Cats, but I do admire them for writing, starring, and producing the longest running show “now and forever, at the Winter Garden Theatre.” I do actually have a dog, but she has her own story to tell someday. What do you think will be the next, great Internet animal?
Brian Donovan: Sloths are hot right now. Honey Badgers had their time. You know who I feel like doesn’t get enough play? Skunks.
Laura Jayne Martin: My mom got sprayed by a skunk two days before her wedding. This seems like a decent segue to weddings. Can we talk about where you are now?
Brian Donovan: Well, I’m in Los Angeles, typing to you, and soon I will be at my sister’s wedding in Boston. I’m not sure which answer fits into the clearly fake podcast scenario you’ve created.
Laura Jayne Martin: Brian, this podcast is as much The Real McCoy, as the band who sings the hit song “Another Night.” What is your favorite part of weddings?
Brian Donovan: My favorite part of weddings is the one song I am drunk enough to actually dance to, without feeling like an asshole.
Laura Jayne Martin: What song will it be? I hope it’s by La Bouche.
Brian Donovan: It usually takes like 6 drinks, and after seeing people’s facial expressions while dancing, the charm immediately wears off, so I only last for about 3 minutes. I’m so bad at dancing that my mom offered to fly out to LA and go to dancing classes with me before the wedding.
Laura Jayne Martin: There is a lot of math involved in your wedding scenarios, Brian. Why didn’t you go to dance classes with your mom and document it heavily?
Brian Donovan: I know. It would’ve been the greatest ever.
Laura Jayne Martin: I would totally go to dance classes with my mom. Actually she does go to them. Or wait maybe it’s a vacuuming class? What’s a zoomba?
Brian Donovan: But at the same time, it would the most awkward personal moment ever. I mean, would you go to dance classes with my mom?
Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, probably.
Brian Donovan: That sounds like a rom-com starring you and maybe my mom.
Laura Jayne Martin: Are you trying to set me up with your mom? Or STEP me up with her? Step Up 5: to the mom?
Brian Donovan: I would love to. She’s straight, but you know, open-minded. Do you like The Good Wife? Or the frozen food section at Trader Joes? If so, you will have a great deal to discuss.
Laura Jayne Martin: I have been meaning to get into The Good Wife! Is something someone who could totally date a mom would say. I’m open-minded too, though slightly less straight than your mom.
Brian Donovan: You could watch The Good Wife together from the beginning! It could be your thing. You could say, “Oh, that Alicia!” and “Kalinda is so foxy!” to each other.
Laura Jayne Martin: Is your mom into open relationships?
Brian Donovan: She’s pretty religious. I think she probably isn’t. But SHE ALSO LIKES DOGS.
Laura Jayne Martin: All the good ones are straight! And Brian’s mom. My next question is, sex with mittens?
Brian Donovan: Yes, sex with mittens.
Laura Jayne Martin: I mean I know, “sex with mittens” was part of a joke you made on Twitter, but I feel like it came from somewhere. Is it a love of challenges? A hand phobia?
Brian Donovan: Touching boobs has always been kinda funny to me. I mean, I love boobs. Boobs are the best.
Laura Jayne Martin: Of course, you’re preaching to the choir. The choir who thinks women are smart and should not be objectified. (You’re on your own, Donovan.)
Brian Donovan: Ha. But if you stop and think about it, when you’re hooking up with a lady who has lady parts, you’re basically just grabbing onto a piece of their body and rubbing it a bunch. It’s funny, in the most technical sense. And it would be even funnier if you were wearing a mitten.
Laura Jayne Martin: Or Freaky Freezies. But the picture would never show up. Unless she was a real ice queen.
Brian Donovan: Yeah, and then you just had to mitten the hell out of some poor girl’s boob.
Laura Jayne Martin: I like that mitten has become a verb. Lockeroom talk would be like “So I was mittening this girl in the back of my Corolla…”
Brian Donovan: “Hey baby, I want to mitten your body so good tonight.”
Laura Jayne Martin: “You keep this up and I’m going to scarf you, like, all over your neck area.”
Brian Donovan: I haven’t been scarfed since high school.
Laura Jayne Martin: Those were the days.
Brian Donovan: Here’s another thing I want to discuss: Brad Pike’s bedroom. I read about it in the last written podcast.
Laura Jayne Martin: So glad you’re a listener!
Brian Donovan: Reader. I’m a reader.
Laura Jayne Martin: Yeah, Brad is pretty Spartan.
Brian Donovan: He tweeted a picture of his bedroom, and honestly, I almost cried.
Laura Jayne Martin: Listeners, I’ll try to get it posted on our website.
Brian Donovan: If only this were going to be written out, you could include a link.
Laura Jayne Martin: Too bad it’s an audio podcast. Can you describe it?
Brian Donovan: He has a single inflated mattress with one sheet and one blanket all tornadoed up on top of it and then a sad, almost sarcastic, string of Christmas lights.
(Ladies and Gentleman, this is Brad Pike’s bedroom.)
Laura Jayne Martin: He said the air mattress is in case he needs to make a clean getaway.
Brian Donovan: Ted Kazcynski would look at that bedroom and say “eh, a little too drab for me.”
Laura Jayne Martin: None of our listeners will know who that is, but I do. You may as well have said “The Zodiac killer” who, by the way, THEY NEVER CAUGHT!
Brian Donovan: They must know who that is. I mean, Brad’s great. I’m not making fun. He’s hilarious. I just wish I could send his bedroom some Lexapro or something.
Laura Jayne Martin: I am very sure he will not take this badly at all. His bedroom might be pissed. This is a direct quote Brad Pike recently told me about his bedroom: “Girls look in there and feel a great sense of unease, as if staring into the maw of a whale.”
Brian Donovan: His bedroom has self-esteem issues that it needs to get looked at.
Laura Jayne Martin: How is your self-esteem?
Brian Donovan: It takes several different medications, which help and has a lovely girlfriend, which is nice. I ignore it for as long as possible. But when it’s totally misbehaving I yell at it, then feed it gluten-free pretzels.
Laura Jayne Martin: What is the most detestable diet? South belly? Salad plate? Marsupial-only? Kansas chicken frenzy?
Brian Donovan: Furian, people who only eat fur.
Laura Jayne Martin: Right, I’ve seen them throw blood on anyone not wearing fur.
Brian Donovan: Everything’s a million calories. Calories are the worst.
Laura Jayne Martin: But it’d be a great baby name. This is my son, Calorie!
Brian Donovan: Calorie Jayne Martin.
Laura Jayne Martin: Yep, I’m going to name my son after me, just like that. Or “Laura Jayne Martin, Jr.”
Brian Donovan: Then people would be annoying and spell it “Calory.”
Laura Jayne Martin: So for my last question: What is your favorite bath scene in a movie?
Brian Donovan: The scene from As Good As it Gets when Helen Hunt is starting a bath and then Greg Kinnear sketches her as she’s getting undressed. It’s amazing and touching and involves nudity. All that is good in life.
Laura Jayne Martin: Oh good choice! I’m very impressed.
Brian Donovan: Here’s my favorite joke about baths. It’s Woody Allen: “My wife is so immature. Whenever I’m in the bath she likes to come in and sink my boats.”
Laura Jayne Martin: Well, he’s a living legend.
Brian Donovan: Are you doubling over in hysterics?
Laura Jayne Martin: As you can see I am smiling, which is code for anger. But I’m angry at how funny that was, so take your pick.
Brian Donovan: Yeah, perfect jokes by others are infuriating. It’s unpleasant knowing one will never get that funny.
Laura Jayne Martin: Perfect anything by others: perfect pitch, perfect games, perfect eyebrows, you name it. A girl I am mittening told me someone else has great eyebrows and so now I am very jealous of eyebrows.
Brian Donovan: Fuck perfection.
Laura Jayne Martin: Absolutely. I think this is a totally imperfect note to end on.
Brian Donovan: This was fun.
Laura Jayne Martin: Thanks so much for being on my totally real podcast, Brian!
Brian Donovan: Thanks!