My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real: Episode 1 Oliver Miller And Brad Pike

Brad Pike joined the conversation

Oliver Miller joined the conversation

Laura Jayne Martin: Hey Brad, Hey Oliver. Welcome to my podcast. Thanks for being my first guests.

Brad Pike: This is a podcast?

Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, have you never heard of a podcast? It’s kind of like a radio show for the Internet, but with a weird theme and a bad name.

Oliver Miller: Why are we pretending that this is a podcast?

Laura Jayne Martin: No Oliver, we’re not pretending. This IS a podcast.

Brad Pike: This is text, not audio. I’m very upset by the cognitive dissonance here.

Oliver Miller: It’s like an avant-garde joke that I don’t get.

Laura Jayne Martin: It’s my totally real podcast. You guys aren’t being very good guests so far. Here’s my first question:  What is the name of the last cat you touched? 

Oliver Miller: I have a story about the last cat. But I’d like to hear from Brad first.

Brad Pike: The last cat I touched was my friend’s cat Menken.

Laura Jayne Martin: As in H.L. Mencken? Oh, sorry you said “Menken.” I thought you said “Mencken.” I misheard you, because this is a podcast.

Oliver Miller: Was that Brad’s whole story?

Laura Jayne Martin: What was Menken’s personality?

Brad Pike: To be honest, I’m looking at this on Windows Explorer, and now the text has gone below the screen and I can’t see what’s being typed anymore, but I will talk about Menken now…  As if I can see what’s being said.

Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, we’re sitting in a studio.

Oliver Miller: Please stop doing this Laura.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, do YOU have a cat story?

Oliver Miller: Yes. I do. But I’d like to hear from Brad about Menken. What was touching him like?

Laura Jayne Martin: I think you mean petting.

Brad Pike: Oh, now I can see a little bit. Menken is named after a Disney composer and liked being petted unlike many cats, who, as a species, tend to be antisocial and neurotic.

Laura Jayne Martin: It’s weird that I can see Oliver right here, so I know he’s not a cat, and yet…

Oliver Miller: So, my girlfriend and I keep going to the pound.  I am really poor and I live in a garage with a bee hive in it.

Laura Jayne Martin: What’s the name of the last bee you touched?

Oliver Miller: I stomped on a bee. I felt so bad. They’re bumblebees. They can’t even hurt you.

Laura Jayne Martin: I killed a mouse with a Tupperware. It was an accident.

Oliver Miller: I just killed it because it was buzzing.  They buzz ALL DAY.

Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, what’s the name of the last thing you killed?

Oliver Miller: But it’s just an annoying sound.

Brad Pike: I DO NOT TOUCH BEES. THEY ARE NOT CUTE OR AFFECTIONATE ANIMALS.

Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, no need to shout. The microphone is picking you up great.

Oliver Miller: But so we keep going to the pound. Anyway, but they have cats by PRICE.  The cat I love is $95. That’s the last cat I petted. His name is “Biblo.” I would rename him “Jack.”

Brad Pike: I like “Biblo” better. It’s unique and onomatopoetic.

Laura Jayne Martin: Wait “bilbo” is also the SOUND the cat makes?

Oliver Miller: So we keep going back and looking at shittier cats. There are $25 cats, $5 cats…

Brad Pike: Discount cat warehouse.

Laura Jayne Martin: TJ Catss.

Oliver Miller: I keep trying to talk myself into the shitty cheap cats, but they suck. And $95 = like seven bucks a year in cat life terms.

Laura Jayne Martin: So this is an investment for you?

Brad Pike: 7 bucks a year. Better than Netflix.

Oliver Miller: In conclusion, if my girlfriend is reading this, WTF?

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, your girlfriend is totally going to subscribe to my podcast.  Everyone is. It’s free. My podcast is cheaper than the shittiest cat.

 Brad Pike: This is just a gchat. Not a podcast. They would subscribe to edited gchats.

Laura Jayne Martin: Let’s talk morning routines!

Brad Pike: When I wake up, I roll over and start downloading podcasts to listen to, because that’s how podcasts work.

 Oliver Miller: I feel like my morning routine is too terrifying.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oh please, I’m sure the listeners can take it.

Brad Pike: He means gross.

Oliver Miller: Brad and I both live in basements.

Brad Pike: Oh, yes, I did for a year or so.

Oliver Miller: My office is just a bee-infested garage cave. Oh, you’re out of the basement now.

Brad Pike: Now, I moved into an apartment above the earth with four roommates.

Laura Jayne Martin: Congrats on making it to the surface!

Brad Pike: A Morlock no longer!

Oliver Miller: But Brad sleeps on a mattress. I want to hear more about the mattress.  Because I’ve lived that, I’ve done that.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, I feel like you’re trying to horn in on my hosting. But I DO like this question.

Brad Pike: It’s actually a pretty sustainable way of sleeping for me. I don’t get uncomfortable really, and if I have to move out quickly, it rolls right up.

Oliver Miller: An air mattress really says, “Hey, I think I might not totes…  be ready to bring a girl back home yet.”

Brad Pike: Well, that’s a problem, yes.

Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, just tell her she is too beautiful for a bed. That’s how I get the ladies, by having a bed or being very condescending about not having one.

Oliver Miller: An air mattress reminds me of thinking of reasons why we should NOT go back to my apartment.

Brad Pike: I have a lot of anxiety regarding the “minimalism” of my room, the lack of possessions, of a bed, of an actual desk, of clothes, etc.

Laura Jayne Martin: No, I think that’s appealing.

Oliver Miller: What is in your room? Wait, there’s no bed?

Laura Jayne Martin: He has a bed. He has an aero bed.

Oliver Miller: He just said he has no bed.  Now we’re just bickering.

Laura Jayne Martin: Let’s not ask Brad.

Brad Pike: I have an aero bed. It’s not a real bed.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oh, it’s real. It’s as real as this podcast, which is the Coca Cola of podcasts—i.e. the real thing.

Oliver Miller: So, let’s go back to that thing that with the aero bed.

Brad Pike: It does not constitute an actual bed, i.e. a thing with a frame, box springs, etc.

Oliver Miller: Oh, but it’s not inflatable?

Laura Jayne Martin: Brad, I sense you’re a little insecure about this bed situation, but I like it.

Oliver Miller: I’m just going to take over now.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver.

Oliver Miller: Laura.

Laura Jayne Martin: Do you understand what an aero bed is?

Oliver Miller: No.  I don’t.

Laura Jayne Martin: Clearly.

Oliver Miller: Is it a cheap bed?

Laura Jayne Martin: I can’t explain objects to you.

Oliver Miller: Do you have to inflate it every day?

Brad Pike: Nope.

Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, Oliver, please describe your bed. Wait let me guess, a hammock?

Brad Pike: A pile of newspaper.

Oliver Miller: I have a boring cheap bed on those like 25% metal frame things that moves when you have sex on it.

Brad Pike: Mine is actually very sturdy and only has to be refilled a bit with air once every couple months.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, maybe you should get an aero bed.

Oliver Miller: I’m going to try to take over again. So Laura.

Brad Pike: No, Oliver.  No.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, it’s not “taking over” to ask me questions. That is allowed on a podcast.

Oliver Miller: I have so many questions aaah!

Brad Pike:  No, Oliver.

Oliver Miller: So you’re a gay person?  Who do you like better, me or Brad?

Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, I am, but I prefer a gay HUMAN.

Oliver Miller: Is it true that you’re sleeping with [REDACTED]?

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, yikes.

Brad Pike: Oh boy.

Oliver Miller: How many people have we all slept with?

Laura Jayne Martin: Well THIS is definitely getting cut.

<<TIME JUMP>>

Oliver Miller: I sent that hooker to you!

Brad Pike: Oliver, calm down.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, I know you weren’t talking to me and that it was a joke, but don’t actually send any hookers here okay?  I feel like, I HAVE to say that.

Oliver Miller: Fine, where were we? This guy had cancelled on her at the last minute and he still paid her $900!

Laura Jayne Martin: Or approximately 10 cats.

Brad Pike: If cats were currency, rich people would smell like cat shit all the time.

Oliver Miller: That’s beautiful, Bradley.

Laura Jayne Martin: If cats were currency, currency would be called “purrency.”

Oliver Miller: If cats were currency… um.

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver you already had that great story about going to the pound.

Brad Pike: It’s right there, Oliver. It’d be called “meowney.”

Oliver Miller: Federal purr-serve board. Nailed it!

Laura Jayne Martin: So for my next topic, what would you rename yourself?

Brad Pike: I have a very good frat boy football player Harvard alum name.

Oliver Miller: I dunno, but my porn name which, of course (name of first cat) + (name of the street you grew up on) =

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver, lean into the microphone. I barely heard that equal sign.

Oliver Miller So, mine is Dustin Windsor, which isn’t too bad.

Laura Jayne Martin: I never have had a cat so mine would be Blank Sixth.

Oliver Miller: Brad, what’s your porn name?

Brad Pike: My porn name would be Dick Mud.

Laura Jayne Martin: My drag name would be Dick Van Dyke.

Brad Pike: Oh, that’s good.

Oliver Miller: You guys are not taking this seriously enough! And it’s making me mad!

Laura Jayne Martin: Well what if you were going to transition, what new name would you pick?

Brad Pike: I like Amelia.

Oliver Miller: Um, “Illyana.”

Laura Jayne Martin: Why did it sound like that name was in quotes?

Oliver Miller: In case anyone reading this transcript gets confused…

Laura Jayne Martin: Oliver this is a real audio podcast. This podcast has been verified by captcha!

Oliver Miller: …in all of this craziness.

Laura Jayne Martin: It’s notarized in two different states as a podcast.

Brad Pike: We can’t end on porn names.

Laura Jayne Martin: Last question, what are your hobbies? Oliver, yours is killing bees. Do you have any others?

Oliver Miller: That is true. Ugh, I feel so bad. It’s like killing a poem each time, but they suck so bad.

Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, so you’re going to stick with killing bees are a hobby.

Oliver Miller: I type my novel on a vintage manual typewriter and draw drawings.

Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, that’s more relatable.

Oliver Miller: I do it while sitting alone in a shed.

Laura Jayne Martin: Okay, slightly less relatable.

Oliver Miller: Could I be more cute and hipster? I just need the right woman to save me. Also I drink.

Laura Jayne Martin: So Brad, hobbies?

Brad Pike: Um, I paint, improvise, and write a lot.

Laura Jayne Martin: You paint watercolor?

Brad Pike: No acrylic. They’re like these childlike, adventure time looking paintings.

Oliver Miller: Aw.  Wait, do you have a cat, Brad? Sorry to interrupt.

Laura Jayne Martin: No go ahead I’ll allow it. (I’m the judge from every Law & Order.)

Oliver Miller: I’d be weird if you didn’t, all that love for cats—if it wasn’t real.

Brad Pike: I don’t have a cat right now because my roommate’s allergic, due to his poor malformed soul.

Oliver Miller: OH NO that’s the worst.

Brad Pike: Only one of my four roommates, just one bad apple. He ruins the world for the rest of us, by being born flawed.

Laura Jayne Martin: Yes, isn’t the word “allergy” from the Latin words meaning “head flaw”?

Brad Pike: This is one of my paintings.

(Brad Pike shows us a painting in the very real studio and definitely does not just send us a link.)

Laura Jayne Martin: Oh cool Brad. That painting is amazing.

Oliver Miller: That is very allegorical; one guy is made of tears with a hat.

Brad Pike: Yeah, probably.

Laura Jayne Martin: Since this is a podcast I’m glad you’re describing it. Listeners, just imagine a very cool painting.

Brad Pike: You mean readers.

Oliver Miller:  One should never ask an artist to discuss their work.

Laura Jayne Martin: I think that’s a good coherent note to end on. Thanks so much you guys for coming on my podcast. See you next time on this totally real podcast that is real.

(End transmission) TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/my-totally-real-podcast-that-is-real-episode-2-brian-donovan/ My Totally Real Podcast That is Real: Episode 2 Brian Donovan | Thought Catalog

    […] Brian Donovan: Here’s another thing I want to discuss: Brad Pike’s bedroom.  I read about it in the last written podcast. […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/05/my-totally-real-podcast-that-is-real-episode-2-brian-donovan/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Brian Donovan: Here’s another thing I want to discuss: Brad Pike’s bedroom.  I read about it in the last written podcast. […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/im-dating-gchat-and-things-are-going-great/ I’m Dating Gchat And Things Are Going GREAT | Thought Catalog

    […] and determinedly filed my words away, against my wishes.  But then when I want to remember what I said to Brad Pike about his terrible bedroom—it’s right there! Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself, or the things I […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/06/i%e2%80%99m-dating-gchat-and-things-are-going-great/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] and determinedly filed my words away, against my wishes.  But then when I want to remember what I said to Brad Pike about his terrible bedroom—it’s right there! Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself, or the things I […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-to-be-a-businesswoman/ “How To Be A Businesswoman” | Thought Catalog

    […] guys might not know this, but I am the host of an amazing podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/07/%e2%80%9chow-to-be-a-businesswoman%e2%80%9d/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] guys might not know this, but I am the host of an amazing podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-to-believe-in-magic/ How To Believe In Magic | Thought Catalog

    […] guys might not know this, but I am the host of an amazing podcast series called “My Totally Real Podcast That Is Real.” Every episode features amazing guests, twists, turns, and anything else you would expect from a […]

blog comments powered by Disqus