I love people who do yoga. People who do yoga are cool and hot. They are so cool, they’re hot. They are the human equivalent of Pop Tarts, which everyone knows is the highest breakfast-treat-based compliment that one can receive. (Well, technically it’s the second highest after “waffle-tastic,” but that’s basically reserved for, like, the Pope or really good waffles.) People who do yoga are smart, interesting, beautiful, fun-loving, and, most importantly, not me.
There comes a point in every person’s life when they reach a certain age and start to have realizations about themselves and yoga. It happened to my dad and to my grandfather before him. It happened to my great-grandfather living in the Bronx in the late 1800s. You wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, and this new idea hits you like a bucket of cold water—or in my great-grandfather’s case like a second bucket of cold water after the first bucket of cold water that he probably used to clean himself. That realization: you will never, ever, do yoga.
For me, it was a pretty life-changing realization, sort of like whenever I finally realize that I am not going to be an astronaut. (I’m estimating the next few years for that one.) But honestly, who the hell wants to be an astronaut now that we know that in space, no one can hear you scream? Yoga was different though; I always thought I’d get into it eventually—right after I finally finished writing my NBC Nightly News fan fiction, teaching myself Italian… food eating, and learning how to wax my own ears.
I know now that it’s time to downward face facts; I’m just never going to get into yoga. I mean “‘Never say never’ – Justin Bieber” is on the poster in my formal dining room, but nope I am never going to get into yoga. And if I do, it will be many years from now and likely because of a woman—who threatened my life, or my Italian food. But for now, here are twenty-five alternative uses for my yoga mat.
1. Fainting couch
2. A nice place to read about fainting couches
3. “Green Insulation” or really “Whatever color your mat is Insulation”
4. A Mouse Pad
5. A Rat Slip-n-Slide
6. A Rat Swatter
7. A sign that says: “Go away rats. Rat Slip-n-slide closed due to being overrun with rats!”
8. A terrible boat
9. An okay pencil skirt
10. An amazing boat pencil (which is a floating foam pencil for use on boats that has yet to be invented)
11. Personalized cafeteria tray
12. Regular cafeteria tray
13. Beer Koozie (easy to make and useful!)
14. Beer Caboodle (harder to make, less useful, but ultimately worth it)
15. World’s smallest running track
16. World’s largest ant running track
17. A terrible kitchen sponge
18. An okay makeup sponge
19. An amazing vaginal sponge (what is amazing about it is that anyone thought it’d be a good thing to insert it into their body)
20. Non-yoga mat (similar to a yoga mat, but exclusively for non-yogic activities)
21. Yogurt mat (a mat I sit on while eating Greek yogurt)
22. Frozen yogurt mat (a mat I freeze and then sit on while eating Greek yogurt to punish myself for obnoxious wordplay)
23. Adult napping accessory
24. Camping equipment (use it as a protective shield against anyone who is trying to force you to go camping)
25. Yorts (yoga mat shorts)