15 Great Potential TV Shows Starring DMX
By Thoughtis
1. DMX on a BMX: This experimental film is just looping Vines of DMX riding a BMX and smiling.
2. DMX2:Two twin algebra teachers, both played by DMX, teach a group of suburban teens what it REALLY means to be cool. Along the way they manage to get in a few lessons on polynomials and also how to growl.
3. Uhhhh C’mon!: DMX hosts a dating show where three people compete and the man or the woman with the best pick-up line wins a date with DMX. In an interesting twist, the man or woman with the worst pick-up line also wins a date with DMX. DMX is a really nice and inclusive guy. The man or woman with the second best/second worst pick-up line gets “busted like a grape.”
4. Spoiler Alert: A spin-off of Pimp My Ride where DMX renovates people’s car spoilers. Spoiler alert: If your car doesn’t already have a spoiler, it’s getting spoiled. Tagline: “To the victor go the spoilers!”
5. Doogie Houser, M. DMX: In this updated classic, DMX plays a boy wonder who becomes a medical doctor at the tender age of 15. His patients are incredulous at first, but his deft powers of diagnosis leave very little room to question his ability or why he looks 42.
6. DMXistential Crisis: A PBS evening talk show featuring DMX that focuses on topics in religion, politics, science, and technology, but, most of all, it explores life’s big questions. Also, DMX coaches the shit out of a few people’s lives.
7. Up in Here: This is the unauthorized television prequel to the film Up in the Air. It follows DMX, a middle-aged business executive frazzled over his demanding job and heavy travel schedule. His problems are exacerbated by his two wild and crazy junior executives who happen to also be twins (played by Mary-Kate Olson and Mischa Barton) to whom he always utters his catchphrase: “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind.”
8. wRapping Paper: DMX plays Nathaniel Paper a super nerdy part-time rapper, full-time stationery store owner who is trying to raise a family in the 1980s. When a chance encounter in the Macy*s bathroom has him unwittingly rapping in front of a big studio executive (he thought he was ALONE!) his life changes forever. Desperate to save his struggling stationery store, he agrees to a sign a recording contract but ONLY if the studio promises never to tell his family. Watch hilarity totally ensue during the hijinks, mishaps, and wacky adventures of Nathaniel Paper as we wait to see if he can keep it under wRaps!
9. Blood on my Dictionary: DMX is a spry 70-year-old mystery novelist living in Cabot Cove, Maine, who gets called in to help the police when his niece and/or nephew is implicated in the sleepy village’s weekly murder.
10. DMX v. LAX v. LAX: Every week DMX fights a new lacrosse team in the Los Angeles International Airport using only his menacing expression and the music of O.A.R. Things get gnarly when each team of brosephs, brimming with Camerons, Baxters, Tuckers, Beaus, Logans, and Brogans, gets caught in the lethal gaze of DMX. After he dispatches of the brahs, DMX takes on the airport itself.
11. Dawg Whisperer: DMX coaxes many of his favorite dawgs to behave better during his day-long etiquette classes and night-long erotic massages.
12. DMXtra: DMX hosts the celebrity gossip show Extra after punching Mario Lopez in the face, shouting: “Looks like the bell didn’t save you!”
13. DMXXX: A groundbreaking Showtime exclusive series that follows DMX candidly discussing some of the sexiest direct messages he’s ever received on Twitter from women over age 70.
14. Rough Riders: DMX plays a young Teddy Roosevelt, Colonel of the “Rough Riders”, which is the nickname for the tenacious 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry that was raised in 1898 for the Spanish-American War. Like most military series there is going to be a ton of historical exposition, but make sure to stay tuned for Episode 14 of Rough Riders, when the Ruff Ryders make a cameo and help DMX write the Rough Riders an anthem.
15. DMXoXo: This is an animated version of the television show Gossip Girl which is voiced exclusively by DMX.