Gay marriage is on the brink of finally ruining marriage for everyone. Whether it is with a Supreme Court ruling this year or another, it will happen. The statistics about support for marriage equality don’t lie — the youth believe in equality. While I prefer it to happen another way, if marriage equality means simply waiting until enough intolerant people die — so be it. Until then, this is just an FYI about some of the stuff I’m going to ruin next.
1. Getting in fights at a farmer’s market. You think you’re the only one who wants to fight your significant other in a farmer’s market? Think again. And while you’re thinking, give me the reason that I should pay 5 dollars for 4 apples. Get ready to watch me flip over a table full of sustainably-grown produce during such an argument. I don’t really have the upper-body strength for it, but once marriage is finally ruined I’ll have more time to work out. When a farmer finally ends my rampage by breaking a bottle of free-range Apple Pear Cider from Kinderhook, NY over my head — I will enjoy getting an MRI anywhere I want with my partner’s medical coverage. I will also enjoy giving her the opportunity to tell the growing farmer’s market crowd, “I’m sorry my wife is such an idiot.” You hear that? My WIFE.
2. Being smug. Once everyone can get married legally, I’m also going to be smug as hell to single people. Enjoy your loophole to my smugery while it lasts, single people. I’m going to be so smug the word “smugery” will need to be coined to describe my behavior. I’m going to Bridget Jones you past the edge of reason. Get read to answer questions like, “Why haven’t you found the right girl or guy yet? Do you want to be single, and without the rights judiciously afforded to all deserving couples, forever?”
3. Never remembering if she wants things dried in the dryer. Sorry proponents of man-woman-only marriage, I know you probably love cornering the market on this type of thing. Once I, as a gay person along with gay people everywhere, finally ruin the important parts of marriage for everyone — the rights, freedoms, etc. — I will focus on the long game of ruining the excruciating minutia of it. I also plan to ruin several perfectly good bras in the process.
4. Having kids. Sorry, once marriage is out of the way, I’m definitely going to ruin this activity for everyone just by doing it. I’m going to have a boy and a girl. I’m going to name them “A Gay” and “Person’s Kids”. That way you’ll never forget. Plus, having a character-building name gives them the option of writing a hit country song later in life. Now, is “Person’s Kids” more of a girl name or boy name?
5. Being boring. Remember when only certain people could be boring? The fun of not having a ton of fun couldn’t last forever! There will come a day when anyone in a loving, committed relationship can binge-watch NCIS. Sure, they can do it now too, but think of how much more boring it will be when they’re all doing it without the fear of being barred from each other on their hospital deathbeds.