Some people have terrible human bosses. Some people have horrible human bosses. This guide is not for you. This is an exact copy of the words written on the piece of paper inside the glass you break in case of the emergency that YOUR BOSS IS AN ACTUAL DEMON.
While these rules are based largely on speculation and 1980s horror movies, you can trust them. I found most of them inside a codex given to me by my archeology professor, Dr. Indiana Evans. While not a doctor of anything, Dr. Evans is a 22 year-old Australian actress who starred in the Lifetime Original Movie Blue Lagoon: The Awakening. It is a remake of the movie Blue Lagoon except instead of using film sets they shot it inside the mind of an idiot.
The rest of the information about how to handle a demon boss I have gleaned from the experiences of others who have gone forth and entered the American work force — some of whom still have jobs today. Using their tales, along with my arsenal of television trivia and Catholic school training, I have put together a rigorous and handy list of tips for dealing with a demon boss. Take heed of these lessons and proceed with caution. “Caution” is the scent from the Axe body spray line that is least likely to provoke a vicious attack by animals.
However, it is still as likely as any Axe product is to repel women. That is 1,000% likely. In fact, most people don’t know this, but I used to be a gay man and Axe body spray turned me into a lesbian. Unfortunately demons are pretty apathetic to it, so you will still need the tips below.
1. First off you need to discern which type of demon your boss is, because different demons warrant different courses of action. Is your boss Asag, a monstrous Sumerian demon, so hideous that his presence alone makes fish boil alive in the rivers? Or is he Alastair, the white-eyed head torturer of souls that is sometimes called “Picasso with a Razor” from the television show Supernatural? Interestingly enough those two can both be quelled using the same secret method: concentrating at them.
2. Identifying your boss’s demon type is pretty simple. If your boss has a lot of pins poking out of her head, chances are, she’s Pinhead from Hellraiser. Use your instincts and common sense. These things don’t require any of the higher-order thinking from Bloom’s taxonomy of learning in action. Many times it is just the word to describe their head, see: Pinhead, Pumpkinhead, or the Headless Horseman.
3. If that doesn’t work tried to identify their skill set. Do they, perhaps, start a lot of fires? Once you understand your demon boss’s skills you can work with them. For instance, if you are an employee of Freddy Krueger, then your safety and a collegial work environment may be ensured by doing things like not dreaming. This is a good prophylactic for both avoiding sleep murder and disappointing your career hopes.
4. Do not make a single typo on anything, anywhere, ever. Demons are huge dicks about that kind of thing.
5. If your boss is hiding under your bed a lot try working late at the office. Another option is to rent out your house to a group of unsuspecting teenagers. That should distract your boss for about 90 minutes. Many people can survive on 90 minutes of sleep a night — their names are Martha Stewart.
6. Suck up to your boss by agreeing with everything they say, even if most of it is in a malevolent form of Latin.
7. Try to see if Dan Brown wrote a book about your boss. If so, your boss is probably only able to be killed by a poorly-dressed Harvard professor as written by an Amherst graduate. When working with said professor, you should definitely handle any of the science stuff. Don’t wait for him to ask.
8. Make sure to file all the reports for any upcoming mergers right away and definitely write down any additional tasks your boss gives you, so you appear efficient and organized. Also, try drawing a circle in salt around your body like in Hocus Pocus.
9. If your boss went to Sunnydale High School that sits on top of “Hellmouth”, a gateway to demon realms, then you should probably enlist the help of any and all vampire slayers. Despite their prissy-sounding names, they know what they’re doing. Also, try coming in early on weekdays. Bosses who are demons really enjoy that.
10. If your boss doesn’t know how to use a computer or eats her computer, then she’s probably a goblin. Disregard this list.