Two of Al Gore’s most famous inventions, The Internet and Global Warming, have created a fifth season. “The weather is cold, but the stars are white hot” — is something a TV guide channel promo would say. All elementary schools have had to update their posters to read: “Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Award”. Award season is full of smaller just-for-fun holidays like the Grammys, the Golden Globes, and President’s Day—but they all lead up to the holiest holiday of all: The Oscars.
I’m pretty terrible at predicting the Academy Awards. It’s probably because I stopped watching Crossing Over with John Edwards once I figured out it had nothing to do with the 2004 presidential election. However, it is important to predict who will win in each award category—even if you haven’t seen any of the movies, even if you don’t understand what the category is, and even if the category sounds made up. Best Supporting Actress? Yeah, like a woman could actually be strong enough to support someone else.
In making your Oscar predictions, just employ the same logic that many Americans use when voting for local government officials. Does the movie title sound like something else you already have an opinion on? Then go with that feeling. For instance, I have not seen Amour. However, I seriously hate remoras. They eat the poop of other fish. C’mon remoras, have a little dignity. Therefore, I am rooting for any movie, but Amour. Also, I voted for every candidate, but Anthony D’Amore for Bronx Borough President, which was a feat considering I live in Manhattan. Take that, remoras!
My remora drama aside, there are many ways to liven up your Oscar predictions. You can also try to do it Miss Cleo-style by telling everyone you are from Jamaica and then charging them $3.95 a minute to hear your Academy Award guesswork. Or you can make a bunch of cards with the movie and actor names on them and have Yolanda Vega pull them out of a spinning orb. However, I prefer to make Oscar predictions in the style of a crowd-work psychic:
“I’m seeing a man. Why am I seeing a man?”
“–Um, Argo was nominated. It has a male director. So do almost all the other films.”
“Right a man. I’m also seeing a woman. I’m hearing an ‘E’. Is there someone important to you with the letter ‘E’? I’m getting a woman with an ‘E’ name?”
“—Um, Anne Hathaway is in Les Misérables.”
“Exactly, yes, there is an ‘E’ in the name Anne.”
“ — So, you are saying one of those will win?”
“It’s not clear. I’m losing it. Name some more movies. Also, I need you to open up your heart.”
” — What?”
“Your heart, I need you to open it. Also, I’m going to put my hand on your face.”
“ — Please don’t touch my face.”
“I have to, it’s happening. It’s not me, it’s the other side, the spirit world. My literal right hand is the figurative right hand… of the ghouls.”
“ — What? This is weird. Forget it; I’m sure Lincoln is going to win anyway.”
“I’m hearing Lincoln is going to win.”
While I am terrible at predicting who will win the actual awards, I am amazing at predicting The Oscars. I mean The Oscars ™, as in The Oscars that Time Warner Cable keeps calling “The Big Movie Award show” in all of their emails. While that makes me wonder why the parody film Big Movie Awards Show, directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans, has not yet been released, it also reminds me that The Oscars is a branded event sunk deep into the collective cultural consciousness. Considering that notion, here are MY Oscar predictions.
MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS
1. For every single thing that happens someone will say “Billy Crystal would have done that better”. That includes the camerawork, driving the limos, and all the commercials for feminine products.
2. Seth Macfarlane will dance with a cane.
3. Something animated will happen.
4. No matter how good or bad a host Seth Macfarlane is, anyone who has ever referred to themselves as “pop culture aficionados” will find it important to say that he is not as funny as TinAmy (my new name for Fey-Poehler).
5. All the media outlets will use the Best Picture film in the title of the Oscar-related Monday articles: “Affleck Argo-es Home Empty-handed” or “After Winning Gold, Anne Is Les Misérables”.
6. A starlet will wear a dress that everyone talks about until everyone decides that people shouldn’t be talking about her dress and then everyone will talk about why it is not “okay” to talk about starlets’ dresses.
7. Joan Rivers will talk about starlets’ dresses.
8. It will be long. There will be jokes about it being long. Whether or not they are funny, the jokes about the show being long will make it longer.
9. Someone will be called “golden boy”. Someone will be called “golden girl”. No one will make a reference to my favorite childhood cartoon The Mysterious City of Gold.
Sally Field is a living legend and people need to stop making jokes about her speech from 1985, most importantly, because they just aren’t funny. This is a fact, not a prediction so it doesn’t get a number.
10. Someone will self-importantly announce that they are live-tweeting it. By “someone” I mean approximately three million people.