New Makeup Trends For 2013

Big news everyone: makeup is a thing! You better find out about the new trends for the coming year right now. You don’t want to have egg on your face! Or maybe you do? How will you know for sure, unless you read these helpful mini-guides to what’s in store for us all next year in face hotness.

Mascara: You want thick, luscious lashes? You want lashes so luxurious that Mariah Carey hangs out sometimes in the adjacent beach cabana on your lashes’ property and you don’t even notice because that is just the level of luxury you are in with your lashes? Of course, you do.

Forget Maybelline Lash Blast, this year the mascara everyone will be wearing is Ethylline WhipLash Lash Detonator Thicksplosion. It is literally the hottest mascara on the market, mainly due to the tiny fireballs that burst from each lash as this thicksplosion is applied. Your super-thick lashes will blow people away, literally. WhipLash Lash Detonator Thicksplosion beat out all the other new mascara lines in the prestigious Annual Autumn Make-up Round-up by Lady Parts Magazine. That includes all the big name mascaras like: Save the Lash Dance, Ultra Mega Eyeball Booster, Xxxtreme Thick: Terminal Viscosity, Mascary! 4, and Baby Boy: The Inappropriate Jealousy Collection. It also won a blind taste test, which was a surprise to both the manufacturer and the eleven samplers who were later hospitalized.

Blush: This year big things are happening in blush, or “rouge,” as it is known amongst French people and grandmas everywhere. 2013 marks the long-awaited debut of “Blush: II” by FancyFace. When it comes to temporarily enhancing your looks, one can’t be too careful, and FancyFace is a company you can trust to surprise, delight, and potentially awaken something dark inside of you. There have been industry whispers that Blush: II is made from a limited stock of antique talcum powder from the private stash of a very famous 1920’s screen starlet. We wish! However, the truth of course is much more banal, it’s actually just laced with run-of-the-mill angel dust. The real secret behind Blush II is probably that Blush I never even existed. They started the line with Blush II. This is the kind of innovative thinking that helps FancyFace to make amazing products, like a powder that turns the skin over your cheekbone slightly pinker and/or causes dangerous long-term hallucinations.

Lipstick: Every once in a while a product comes along that truly makes an impact on the cosmetics community. This year it is not lipstick. Sorry to say, the newly released 2013 lip color shades are all total duds. However, if necessity is the mother of invention and Madonna is the mother of reinvention, then bad makeup lines are the grandma of hotness in unexpected places. In an attempt to survive the drab lipstick offerings, trendsetters have begun just smearing whatever they want on their lips. For a darker, sultry look, try cooked taco meat, chocolate, tar, peat, soot, or diatomaceous earth. For a brighter, sunny look go with something fun like strawberry yogurt, Pepto Bismol, the guts of just about any fish, or beets. For an upsetting and deranged look, blood is always the best option. Just be careful, fake blood is called “f— for a reason — it looks totally inauthentic. This season, don’t trust your lip appeal to knock-off blood.

Glitter: It’s going to be everywhere. That is mostly due to the fact that it exists and it is impossible to remove from any surface. Most likely, you still have residual glitter all over your body from a terrible party in 2003, so no need to buy anymore. However, you may need to reinforce your pre-existing glitter. If so, just bump into a person that looks like they could have gone to a rave in the late ‘90s or any Middle School teacher.

Eye Shadow: The “Smokey Eye” is officially over. There is a new eye in town and, like post-Bloomberg New York, it is entirely smoke-free. The trend in eye shadow is to use gray or dark gray tones, but more specifically, gray tones etched into the silhouettes of famous figures. Several make-up artists have hit the ground running with this look and now clients across the country are demanding these new shadows-shapes for their eyelids — especially the following crowd-pleasers: The Lincoln, The Michael Jordan dunking a basketball, The Mickey Mouse, The Evolution of Man, and, strangely the most popular, The Alfred Hitchcock. Don’t be the last kid on the block to have Don Draper on couch with cigarette artfully brushed in gray shadow onto your eyelid skin. Sayonara “Smokey Eye” and hello Silhou-eye-ttes! TC mark

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