40 Other Things Argo Could Be

1. An afterschool cartoon about a Greek Hero who gets turned into a dog or a dog who gets turned into a Greek Hero or two dogs who eat Greek gyros.

2. A new gum that’s packaged to look like cigarettes.

3. Something for which you got sent to Home Depot and you will never find; never, not even if you wear your own orange apron to the store.

4. A new baby training technique that all of the best babies are doing.

5. The first name of one of the U.S. Presidents in the 1800s.

6. A topic The Today Show will runs six features on in the second hour of their four-hour broadcast. Then later in the third hour, they will run a three-part investigative series: “Are we hearing too much about Argo?” Finally in the fourth hour, Hoda and Kathie Lee will sing a song about it after they get hammered on white wine. (And yes, I know it’s actually “Kathie Lee and Hoda,” but sometimes Hoda just needs a goddamn break.)

7. A mens’ pant from J.Crew that’s only suitable to wear while standing in sockless loafers with hands in pockets, while easing and trimming the sails of a boat, or on official promenades.

8. The secret brown ingredient in all of the cold salads at Whole Foods.

9. A British slang word meaning: “girl,” “penis,” “tiny,” “gunshot,” “nap,” “aunt,” “elevator,” “French fries,” “trunk,” “poison,” or “suitcase” — depending on how it’s pronounced.

10. A fart-powered car.

11. A type of credit default swap that is so risky, when used as an arbitrage tool it turns U.S. currency yellow.

12. The new exercise thing that has come to replace CrossFit.

13. A new luxury boutique hotel on the Upper East Side whose theme is “a luxury boutique hotel on the Lower East Side, but far from the subway, and by ‘the subway’ we mean the kind of people who take the subway.”

14. A conceptual artist who sprays graffiti inside garbage cans, underneath cars, and all over unsuspecting museum docents.

15. A defunct shampoo brand from the 1980s that is now only available in Canada even though it was never sold there to begin with.

16. A failed snack chip that combined the flavors of Avocado, Red pepper, Grated Cheese, and Organs.

17. A new website where you can share 140 characters of your resume set to popular music.

18. An Indie Darling (medium unspecified).

19. The Latin name for that weird second anklebone that your friends all swear only you have, but it’s in the Physician’s desk reference, so they can all go to hell.

20. A small Midwestern town that used to have a manufacturing plant that was also named “Argo.” In fact the plant was built first and the town got established around it. But now the manufacturing plant has closed and there is a heated debate waging about changing the town’s namesake to one of the other three job creators in Argo: corn farming, a museum dedicated to the actor Benjamin “Scatman” Crothers from The Shining (despite him having no known affiliation with the town of Argo) or the bargain outlet store Playtogs. The mayor thinks “Scatplay Farms” is a nice compromise.

21. The hottest new root vegetable that’s going to be in every single sustainable, farm-to-table meal you eat at a restaurant from now until Memorial Day 2013.

22. A benign sounding artificial sweetener that replaces your skin cells with molecular-sized Irish Spring bar soaps.

23. An invention from the 1700s that made the Spinning Jenny even more efficient at making yarn, but unfortunately also caused hair fires.

24. A special liquor in all the coolest cocktail bars that makes everything with Bourbon in it taste like a Shirley Temple, so people can finally stop pretending.

25. The world’s most difficult, yet most rewarding, figure skating move.

26. A FDA approved frozen dessert treat with the very unsettling slogan: “we can’t legally called it ice cream, but it’s delicious!”

27. The part of a story where everyone stops listening except for the people who want to sleep with the storyteller.

28. Mitt Romney’s drastically underrated 1987 solo album after he parted with his morale-boosting corporate barbershop quartet, The Bain of Our Existence.

29. A mockumentary by Christopher Guest about the making of the new film Argo, or in other words: a fake film about a real film about a fake film.

30. What grandmothers everywhere will ask for in GameStop when Halo 4 is released next month.

31. A great dog name if you are ambivalent about your dog’s happiness.

32. The lesser-known prequel to Fargo.

33. The brand name of the mop you own that you are physically incapable of remembering in the store when attempting to buy a new mop head, which is why you are the proud owner of seven mops.

34. Orange juice-flavored toothpaste from the 1970s.

35. That bar on First Avenue with no sign that is definitely unsanitary, despite always smelling like bleach.

36. The name of a high-end limited-edition stroller company where everything has been reimagined. Roger Sterling is the brand spokesperson—no, not John Slattery, Roger Sterling.

37. A character from your FANTASY football league who can transmit himself between different worlds in the multiverse using a powerful ring, has racked up 538 yards on the ground over his first six games, ranks tops in the league in rushing scores, and is currently second in line to the Iron Throne of the Seven Kingdoms.

38. An ethnic food that everyone totally gets wrong except this one place you know.

39. The second worst selling Nerf product.

40. The only American Gladiator to ever win Celebrity Jeopardy. TC mark

 

image – Argo the Movie

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