I fell into the Gap the other day — the clothing store, not the one between the subway car and the platform into which I have also fallen. They tell you to mind things for a reason. Anyway, at The Gap clothing store, there was a radioactive fruit salad of neon shirts, which I learned long ago are called “tops.” I gleaned that information from the study abroad program I did in junior high school. I didn’t travel anywhere. I just sat around listening to my trendy tween classmates discussing makeup and fashion. I pushed my sporty (probably also dirty) face against the windowpane of their stylish conversation and they didn’t even mind. It was less study abroad and much more “study a broad.” Or really, it was a group of broads and maybe one fierce dude.
That dude and those broads taught me a good deal. Did you know concealer is not lipstick, despite the fact that their containers are shaped identically? Lesson learned. However, my sartorial reconnaissance still left me with gaps in my knowledge. Even in high school and college, looking at ladies’ clothing left me feeling like a piece of my brain was missing. There were so many different pieces and layers. Things were draped in ways that seemed antithetical to reason and physics. I knew it was supposed to look good
I wanted to blame it on the fact that I am gay, gay, gay (an official diagnosis), but there are plenty of hot, trend-following, and trend-setting queer people — so that blew my excuse to smithereens. I tried to supplement with source material, but the copy in women’s fashion magazines seemed like the writing of a drunk ancient alien. I think, most importantly, I didn’t care.
Well, I didn’t care about women’s fashion. These days it’s growing on me, but more as a theory than a practice. “I’m so excited that it is autumn so I can wear sweater dresses again!” is a sentence I’ve never said. However, I am very interested in men’s fashion — just ask my tailor. (By the way, I am definitely accepting all suggestions for menswear that fits very slender women in the comments section.) So that brings me to the other day — the one in which I entered The Gap. Guess what they were selling? Boyfriend jeans!
Here I am just totally ignorant about boyfriend jeans. Are you aware that many women like to wear the jeans of the man they are dating? So many, in fact, that there are lines devoted to the practice not only at The Gap, but also at several of the largest ready-to-wear clothing retailers. In fact, most women just get the boyfriend for the jeans and leave the rest of it to play video games with its penis, be funny, or become president — you know, guy stuff.
I wonder: has anyone ever dated me for my jeans? How can I be absolutely sure that my girlfriend of more than five years isn’t just playing the long game for the ultimate prize, i.e. some sweet-ass girlfriend jeans? Also, am I to presume this means all other jeans are non-monogamous? I support polyamory, but I think these jeans should be upfront about it.
Also, just how serious does the relationship have to be for them to be boyfriend jeans? Are “We hooked up a couple times, but he never called and I’m kind of into his friend” jeans as stylish? Parents: how young is too young for boyfriend jeans? Be careful, you don’t want your daughters to end up with a pregnancy too early in their lives. Plus, do you know just how difficult it is to raise a half-denim baby?
These boyfriend jeans got me thinking: maybe I am more fashionable than I thought. After all, when I dated men I was almost exclusively interested in wearing their jeans. I was also interested in wearing their ties, their cufflinks and their British tan driving loafers that are never in my size! Am I ahead of the curve? If so, here is a list of 25 other totally in vogue alternatives to boyfriend jeans, feel free to explore these super chic possibilities for your new looks.
25 Alternatives to Boyfriend Jeans
1. Grandpa underwear
2. Crazy aunt hosiery
3. Dad hats
4. Mom bras (from the Mother Lingerie line)
5. Newborn daughter hoodies
6. Cousin skorts
7. Uncle heels
9. Stolen from your sister sweaters
10. Gay neighbor t-shirts
11. Foreign exchange student khakis
12. Sullen brother miniskirts
13. Family dog cardigans
14. Best friend ponchos
15. Uncle scrunchies
17. Personal accountant leather jackets
18. Babysitter parkas
19. Step-parent blazers
20. Grandma thongs
21. Schoolteacher sandals
22. Life coach corduroys
23. Grandson leggings
24. Husband capris
25. Frenemy bathing suits