Adele, You Should Know Better

Dear Adele,

Bitch, it’s hotter outside than a hit single by you. And I don’t call people “bitch,” ever. I can hardly call people “girl” without feeling kind of woozy. Adele, you don’t know this about me, but I am kind of a dork. That’s not important. What is important is the fact that you absolutely ignored the happiness and well-being of millions in North America. We are reaping what you sowed and that reaping involves sweating in unmentionable places throughout one of the hottest summers on record.

Adele, this is what happens when you set fire to the rain.

It’s time for you to realize that your actions have consequences. Don’t tell me that you never knew, never knew. People have been fighting over global warming for years, and you didn’t think to mention this to anyone? Scientists are working overtime trying to unlock the mystery of climate change and Al Gore is dropping PowerPoint documentaries like Ken Burns on acid. Yet, you waited until 2011 to let everyone know that you ignited our main source of water? Think of what Al Gore could have invented by now if he didn’t have to run around town presenting about the earth! Can you imagine what that man’s schedule is like? Talk about an inconvenient truth.

And where were the meteorologists on this one? Are they still trying to convince us that it is going to be one temperature, yet it will feel like a completely different temperature to f-ck with our minds? “It’s going to be 65˚F, but feel like 48˚F.” So, should I just imagine I’m wearing a coat? Maybe they are just too busy using an inscrutable rubric of words to tell us what it will be like outside each day? This is the weekly forecast for my area:

Monday: Balmy and moist, with a sun in sunglasses appearing later in the day

Tuesday: Chance of summer

Wednesday: Itchy

Thursday: Daft

Friday: Less snippy

Saturday: Morose

Sunday: Partly Air

Adele, as you can see here, it is not all your fault. These bozos have been talking about heat wave after heat wave and not once did the connection to you occur to them. You’d think with names like Storm Fields, Dallas Raines and Larry Sprinkle they’d know what they’re talking about. After this fiasco, I don’t think you’re a Champion in my book, Sam. Let me pause from this letter to stand in front of a green screen for a second, so I can communicate with everyone about the weather situation. This will just take a moment.

LJM’s forecast: It is going to be very warm outside with no relief in sight. This has everything to do with the fact that droplets of fire are splashing down from the clouds. Why is that occurring, you ask? Let’s turn to this green screen behind me, you see here, where Adele is setting fire to the f-cking rain?  Yeah, that’s why. The goddamn rain is on fire.

So to wrap this up, Adele, I think you’re being really reckless and breaking several state and federal laws. I don’t care if there’s a fire burning in your heart and it’s tearing you apart — you can’t just torch the atmosphere. Really, someone like you should know better. I’m just sorry things had to turn out like this, Adele; we could’ve had it all. TC Mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/DavideMastracci Davide Giuseppe Mastracci

    This was really really bad.

  • Elizabeth

    What the hell is this?

  • Warren Worthington

    What is this article even about?

    • http://spicylilpeach.wordpress.com spicylilpeach

      Right?

  • http://gravatar.com/spicylilpeach spicylilpeach

    Really bad.

  • confused

    DERRRRRRRRRRRRRR (get over yourself)

  • Brian

    this fucking sucks, not even funny.

  • http://twitter.com/gogogadgetpoet Mike James (@gogogadgetpoet)

    fourth!…. same arbitrary dumbshit as posting first, right?

  • xyz

    oooooooh no this isn’t good

  • ML

    This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read on TC.

  • Melbell

    Made me chuckle

  • ela

    wow this is actually bad. like legitimately poorly written.

  • Meagan

    I thought it was amusing. I don’t understand the people who comment on this website. Do they just lurk all day waiting to leave mean anonymous comments?

  • Guest

    I was so confused…I rarely keep up with celeb gossip but thought Adele was part of some scandal and logged on to Perez Hilton….and found nothing. I don’t get this….

  • psstop

    I get what you were going for, but I just wasn’t a fan of this.

    Where are TC’s editors? It’s like they’ve been too busy making their weekly quota of list articles that they forgot to moderate what goes on the site.

  • http://redlipsandcitylights.wordpress.com nnekaayana

    …what everyone else said.

  • Erika

    SO FUCKING AWFUL. LEAVE TC AND NEVER WRITE AGAIN

  • Golden Boy

    The penultimate paragraph stands on its own. Would work much better as a Tweet. Tweet this paragraph. Lose the rest.

  • http://www.cybernid.com rahardesty

    Is this about the drought-like conditions in the midwest and Adele somehow being responsible? Or is a rant about Adele ruining the world because she is taking a hiatus from music? I am so freaking confused!

  • Mansour

    That was amusing in some points… I don’t see why people are complaining so much about it

  • ProdigyDreamer

    So…Adele is th-Wait, no….I honestly don’t understand what this article is for. I’m not trying to be rude or mean to the author, but I really am confused. This article is kind of pointless and I don’t understand what it was made for: to blame Adele for not making good music? Bored and decided to call out someone famous? Saying that Adele is the cause for several bad happenings?

    Sorry, but…I am just seriously unable to understand :(

  • Jassy

    What is Adele?

    • Erika

      You fucking idiot. You’re not funny

      • Jassy

        Oh Erika, it’s not what I wanted, but I think I’m in love with you.

      • Erika

        Lolzzzz

  • http://twitter.com/heronkady10 Kady Heron (@heronkady10)

    Very interesting topic!
    Saving Thousands of People Hundreds of Dollars a month. Join the club today. Just click -> http://www.saversclub.us

    • Les

      STOP PLEASE. ugh.

  • Yikes!

    Hey guys! This is a joke about Adele setting fire to the rain–as in her hit song–and being thereby responsible for the unusually hot weather. A joke. The hostility in this comment thread is somewhat alarming. Please relax.

    • Yikes!

      P.S. And the joke is pretty hilarious, if you ask me.

      • Erika

        It is not funny at all. It’s a terrible article about a wretched artist.

      • Elizabeth

        Waaaaaait a second…wretched artist? Let’s not be ridiculous.

  • http://wordstokeep.tumblr.com E.B.

    Jesus Chirst people! Why all the hate? Relax!!! If you don’t like it, write something better yourself.

  • Shell

    well..this is awk..i actually thought it was pretty funny – do you guys live in the arctic or something? i’m dying over here

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