I didn’t make my middle school basketball team. I went on to become a fantastic statistician for the girls’ volleyball team, but I didn’t make basketball. I think about it every morning when I wake up. Well, either that or I just remembered it while thinking about Reebok pump shoes, but for the sake of this essay, let’s just say I’m haunted by it.
I may have competed in track in high school and college, but I am not an athletic person. For me, running is more of a survival skill. Make no mistake, running can be an athletic endeavor and there are many world-class athletes who are runners. I’m even friends with a few of these bona fide runner athletes — they are for real. That’s how I know, for sure, that I am not one. Well that and the fact that I have fallen up the stairs. Sure, I’ve fallen down them too, but falling up the stairs is a task reserved for champions of life like me — along with stalling an automatic vehicle and locking myself inside of my apartment.
It is with these facts of my life in mind that I can say — beyond a shadow of a doubt — that I am never going to slam-dunk a basketball. Therefore, I have all of these incredible lines that I will never get to utter. It seems a shame to let them go to waste, so I thought I would share them here with you. Please if you would, just imagine me, a thin, gay, non-athletic runner, slamming a dunk on someone and then saying or doing the following.
Post-slam dunk disses playing on the word “slam.”
“That was the best slam since Onyx’s second album!”
“Wham, bam, thank you Chris Kattan!” (This is only really applicable if I’m playing Chris Kattan.)
“You just got murdered by the Son of Slam!”
“Did you want pickles on that slamami sandwich?”
“Thailand was formerly known as Siam. And what you just saw is both casually and formally known as my slam!”
Post-slam dunk disses playing on the word “dunk.”
“The world runs on dunkin’!”
“Dunk, Dunk, goose!” (And then point at the person when I say ‘goose.’)
“Do you want a moist treat from my oven because, guess what? I’m Duncan Hines!”
“You just got drunk on my dunk!”
Post-slam dunk disses focusing on the lack of masculinity of my opponent or just their general ineptitude.
“That’s right, son!” (I won’t say this if I am literally playing my son, because then it will not be a diss, but simply a factual statement.)
“You’re a broken Casio, a terrible player!”
“Newsflash: you suck!”
Post-slam dunk disses that are just slogans I’ve heard but I feel they could be applicable in this situation.
“The juice is loose!”
“I’m lovin’ it!”
“When the world zigs, zag!”
“Every kiss begins with Kay!”
Post-slam dunk disses that are just sound effects.
“Choo-choo.” (That’s the LJM slam dunk express.)
“Gazooga!” (That’s the alarm alerting them to the fact that they’ve just been dunked upon.)
“Ha ha.” (Unless The Simpsons has that trademarked.)
“Ding-dong.” (That’s the sound of me coming to the imaginary door to inform their entire family that I just dunked on them.)
“Zig-a-zig-ah.” (That is meant to connote they are as pathetic as a present-day Spice Girl fan.)
Post-slam dunk disses that are just movements.
[High-fiving the non-existent crowd.]
[Firing an imaginary machine gun in the air and then tearing my shirt open like Rambo.]
[Doing that mime-inside-the box thing. Then I’ll do the “yes” move, where I make a fist, retract my forearm quickly, and drive my elbow down at my side. Then I’ll be the ‘89 protestor in front of the tanks in Tiananmen Square. Then I’ll just grapevine; working my thighs and gluts, I will grapevine all over the place.]
Post-slam dunk conceptual diss pieces
I will build a lemonade stand and then tell them to come try to buy some. Then I will throw their 25 cents in their face and say, “I reserve the right not to sell to suckas!”
I will stand recite the Gettysburg address but I will change the last line to “that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth… without slam-dunking on a motherf-cker.”
Ten-minute uninterrupted “dick” chant.