As we grow older, there are more and more divisive issues upon which we are forced to take a side. We must decide where we stand on controversial topics like healthcare, abortion, gay marriage, international conflict and, of course, baby names. Baby names are literally the most important thing in the world. That is why the press reports tirelessly and comprehensively on the names of newborns. In fact, the 24-hour news cycle was actually invented by reporters eager to scoop each other on the newest baby names as they dropped like poop into a diaper — hot and fast.
When you think about what will shape the lives of the people of earth, you think of a few things: baby names, baby names, and baby names. A baby’s name is particularly key when the child in question is the offspring of someone who has acted in movies, or on television, or plays professional sports. You may not know this, but the floor of the American Stock Exchange shuts down for any birth announcement of a parent who could be described as an “entertainer” or whose secondary slash career includes “model,” “DJ,” “clothing line” or “fragrance.” The only baby’s name that trumps all of those is if one — or both — of the child’s parents are a person of conspicuous leisure.
Trends in baby naming are ever more important. If your child’s name is not trendy, then they will probably become a baby loser. None of the other babies will hit on them or ask them out on dates. They probably will end up 36-months old, still not married, with no job, and living with their parents.
Classic names are great and last names are also great — that’s why names combing those like “Monroe” and “Gatsby” are both popular choices. However, why not try another famous actor like “Lugosi,” or another famous literary character like “Ratched”? Hyper-masculine names like “Wolf,” “Fox,” “Ranger” are pretty trendy too. But why not take it one step further with “Bone Saw,” “Machete,” or “Boar”?
From what I gather via The Today Show, The Parents Against Mainstream Children listserv, and Hip Parents Weekly magazine, staying ahead of the curve on the baby name trends is the most critical element in parenting. I wanted to contribute something to this cause. Forgive me if as a novice to naming a baby, I am using slightly unconventional methods. However the television show Roseanne has never once let me down, except the ninth season (Seriously, the lottery?!). All of the answers you seek can be found here in the world’s most famous “downstairs, downstairs” sitcom. Mom and dads, I think you’ll find what your looking for right here — you can thank me later.