Are you suddenly hearing the song “Raise Your Glass” at all times? And you’re positive that you are not inside of a preview for the newest romantic comedy? Has The Today Show run out of segments on Prom dresses, yet still continues, at full speed, running segments on Prom dresses? Do you belong to a Facebook group called, “North Kennedy High Promz 2012, so we don’t all wear the same dress, OMG”? Have you recently been made aware by Katy Perry, or someone who sounds a lot like Katy Perry, that you are, in fact, a firework?
Well, it’s that time of year again, the most underage, taffeta-filled, bizarrely themed, season of them all: Prom season. It’s going to be the greatest night of your life, literally, because you’ve been alive for about five minutes. (Seriously, the second greatest night of your life was that time you got to stay up extra late for your travel soccer team sleepover.) There will be a lot of fun, and probably too much “fun.”, especially that song about how everyone’s young and should buy a Chevy. Either way, it’s going to be amazing and incredibly memorable, so get out your disposable cameras, people who also still use payphones!
Here, a few prom tips from me (and Hollywood):
1. Don’t have a sip of champagne at the pre-prom party hosted by an irresponsible mother, and then end up “drunk” at the prom, unless your name sounds really great in a chant that your friends can do during your school board hearing. (See: Beverly Hills, 90210.)
2. Do ask your date to the prom in an elaborate fashion that outdoes most wedding proposals. In California, it is actually illegal for a prom proposal not to make “good television”. I think it’s called, “LC’s law”.
3. Do accept the prom as the apex of your high school’s narrative arc. All loose ends will be tied up. All apologies, fights, break-ups, reunions, dance-offs, climaxes, and bathings of the crowd in pigs’ blood occur here. (See: 21 Jump Street; Prom; Prom Night (1980); Prom Night (2008); 10 Things I Hate About You; Glee; American Pie; Never Been Kissed; DeGrassi Junior High; DeGrassi: The Next Generation; Napoleon Dynamite; High School Musical 3; Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire; Buffy: The Vampire Slayer; Mean Girls; The O.C.; Footloose; Gossip Girl; Drive Me Crazy; Fast Times at Ridgemont High; She’s All That; Make It or Break It; Dawson’s Creek; Grease; and Carrie.)
4. If you’re going to have a baby, make sure the gay father is there. (See: Saved! or perhaps, a promising upcoming Republican political scandal that is yet to break. I don’t
have any proof that a situation like this currently exists in reality. However, I also don’t
have any proof that it doesn’t.)
5. Don’t invite two dates. (See: Zach Morris, Alex P. Keaton and countless fictional characters, but no one in real life, ever because this is not even a remotely plausible situation in reality.)
6. If you’re going to kiss a vampire, do it in a gazebo.* (See: Twilight)
6a. *The same advice goes for any awkward photos with your head in a vertebrae-defying tilt, and your date holding just four fingers of your left hand. (Prom photographers don’ t actually believe in women’s thumbs; they think it’s all just another conspiracy fabricated by glove companies. Granted, glove companies know a thing or two about fabricating. But still, your thumb is not going to be a recognized part of this photo, ladies.
7. Your prom’s theme will be logically impenetrable. Do not waste any time attempting to unlock the cryptex of “A Night (Under The Sea that is Under the Stars) to Remember… the Titans”.
8. Despite his hat and later career choices, you should have gone with Duckie.
9. When you stab your date with his boutonnière, make sure to avoid a main artery. (Unless your date is a pig and you are Carrie—this will come in handy later.)
10. Don’t bother spending all your money on a limo. Your insanely low-cut dress should make your entrance for you.
11. Thank the chaperones (by not giving birth in the bathroom).
12. Don’t worry about pre-gaming before Prom binge drinking, because once you blackout, you’ll just forget the terrible time you had and all the embarrassing stuff you did. No one in your school has an iPhone or the Internet, right?
13. Pack snacks in your purse. (This is a timeless piece of advice, but never more relevant here than at this Dance marathon/Social Olympics/Emotional Rollercoaster.)
14. At the pre-prom party, the parents will force you to make a cascading line of color-coordinated couples for photos that will all end up looking like the company pictures of the wait staff for a very particular fetish cruise line. At this time, remember placement is important. Try to center yourself between a girl who overused a tanning bed and a girl who overused spray tan. You won’t look tan, but you will look f-cking brilliant.
15. Keep things in perspective. Just keep repeating to yourself: “This is the most important night of my life. This is the most important night of my life.” Remember, weddings will probably be completely illegal by the time you are old enough to have one. This could be your only shot at greatness. Don’t blow it.