A Field Guide To Easter Candy

1. The Marshmallow Chick

Presentation: The Adult Male Marshmallow Chick weighs approximately 1.5oz and has a yellow bill—as well as a yellow neck, a yellow body, a yellow tail and a yellow… undercarriage. This lemon yellow plumage is designed to ward off the Marshmallow Chick’s most vicious predators such as, Marshmallow Chicken hawks, Gelatin Gophers, Fondant Foxes, Campfires, and Human Teeth.

Additionally, the Marshmallow Chick has what appear to be eyes on either side of its head structure, yet their vision remains remarkably poor. Their continued existence remains one of Darwin’s mysteries, as they do absolutely nothing to thwart attackers aside from molting sugar everywhere.

Habitat: The Marshmallow Chick’s habitat has declined markedly over the last fifty years due to degradation and dredging of plastic Easter grasslands for agriculture. Before the Industrial Farming movement, lush fields of synthetic green, yellow, and pink Easter grass swathed North America. Marshmallow Chicks roamed free, growing to the average size of a watermelon and competing with antelopes for food. Unfortunately, due to overhunting the Marshmallow Chick population thinned considerably.

In the 1920’s, Marshmallow Chicks were almost wiped out by money-hungry Mallomar Traders (who discarded their pelts and used their flesh to make the filling for Mallomars, a 1920’s delicacy) and money-hungry Poachers (who discarded their flesh and used their pelts to make yellow fedoras, which were very popular at the time). The Great S’more Craze of 1953 didn’t really help either. However, in recent years Marshmallow Chicks have enjoyed a marked resurgence due to environmental activism and the ban on concealed crossbows, which are the traditional Marshmallow Chick hunting weapon.

Observation: Easiest to find, and most rewarding to observe, in spring, mainly March-May, when they reach sexual maturity signified by their pronounced beak, full bush and delicious taste.

Voice: Male produces popping sounds, audible over a considerable distance when they are heated in a microwave oven.

Fun Fact: Due to their insolubility in water many Marshmallow Chicks were drowned as witches during the Salem Witch Trials.

2. The Chocolate Bunny

Presentation: The Chocolate Bunny is North America’s most abundant Easter candy, due to its lascivious nature and lack of access to birth control. Undercoat color varies from brown to white and may be marked with streaks, almonds, bits of crunchy rice, or other imperfections. Foil topcoat may be inconspicuous. Tail is relatively larger than the European Rabbit. Also, tail is made of chocolate.

Dimensions: Ranging from 1 oz. to more than 20 pounds. Multiple variables affect the weight at maturity of the Adult Female, including harsh winters, droughts or whether or not it is hollow.

Habitat: Alpine and subalpine regions, canyons and caves, forests and woodlands, scrub,
shrub and brush, swamps, marshes and bogs; underwater, outer space, and closets — basically anywhere one can place a brightly colored basket. Their primary predators are the Sweet-Toothed Tiger and pregnant women.

Observation: Chocolate bunnies are best viewed by a mature audience during mating season, which may begin as early as February and last until the following January because they literally will not stop getting busy.

Voice: Sounds a lot like Mel Blanc.

Fun Fact: While usually possessing a very docile temperament, The Chocolate Bunny is an evolutionary descendant of The Chocolate Velociraptor and it has the physical ability to tear the human body to shreds.

3. The North American Jelly Bean

Presentation: The average length of the Adult Male Jelly Bean is 2 cm. The jelly bean exhibits a huge variety of dazzling colors and peculiar patterns. The jelly bean’s bright and sleek skin has different functions. Sometimes the vivid hues act as camouflage when a jelly bean rests on a surface with a matching background. Their unique coloring is also used to help with species-recognition during the mating process. Some of the most striking patterns on certain jelly bean subclasses warn predators that they have toxic flesh. For example it might be bubble gum, buttered popcorn, or tutti frutti flavored.

Observation: The North American Jelly Bean is a free-roaming pack species. They are
highly mobile, and if you do not keep a tight fix on them then they will quickly disappear (usually into the mouths of jerks).

Habitat: A group of jelly beans is called “an assortment”. An assortment of jelly beans
usually congregates in large glass jars. Each year, approximately 300,000 math students in the U.S. quickly bore of guesstimating the exact number of jelly beans in any given jar.

Little known fact: this boredom is caused by math. Jelly beans can also be spotted to a
lesser extent in the mall, the movies, or the hands of a senior citizen switching it up from toffee.

Mating: Like penguins, jelly beans mate for life—something to think about that next time you eat an odd number of them.

Fun Fact: For a long time, jelly beans were used as toilet paper, by idiots. TC mark

image – Dan Leach

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  • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

    I’ll be expecting a more comprehensive guide to Halloween candy.

  • Michaelwg

    “The Chocolate Bunny is North America’s most abundant Easter candy, due to its lascivious nature and lack of access to birth control. ” If you meant for this to have racial connotations, then it is the funniest thing ever. If my inference is baseless…well, it’s still the funniest thing ever.
    This was the best article I’ve read in a while.

    • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

      Thank you for such a complimentary comment.  I am very happy you enjoyed reading my
      post. However, your inference is baseless and it was good of you to point out that it could be so.  I hope you won’t be offended if I clarify, and please don’t take it as an attack on you at all. 

      This was written from the viewpoint that bunnies don’t have races, that chocolate is not a race, (not that you said either of those things, but I want to make sure everyone knows that I didn’t either). It was meant to derive humor from the absurd activity of both applying human behavioral standards to wild animals (rabbits) and applying wild animal behavioral standards to inanimate chocolate treats formed to look like those animals.

      The only thing that excerpted sentence was meant to connote was “OMG you guys, isn’t it funny to imagine that a candy is alive! And then isn’t it funny to think about rabbits reaching into their (fur-lined) pockets for their wallets and pulling out a health insurance card! Hahaha.”

      For me, funny=a dog wearing a monocle.  Thanks again for reading and liking it.

  • samanthaphoebe

    Someone buy me a Chocolate Velocioraptor.

  • http://www.healthywaytocook.com/2013/03/lunch-break-links-128-easter-edition/ Healthy Way To Cook Lunch Break Links Easter Edition: Easter-inspired nail polish, Easter leftover recipes, candy field guide, horrible Easter Bunny pictures, Peep joust tournament

    […] A Field Guide To Easter Candy (via  Thought Catalog) Yesterday we told you how much Easter candy Americans eat. This “field guide” from Thought Catalog tells you about the lives of popular candies in their natural habitats, before they end up in Easter baskets. […]

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