36 Reasons Why I No Longer Know Somebody That I Used To Know

1. They are not on TV.

2. They moved all the way to Brooklyn and not even right off the F subway line. Well okay, it is off the F line, but the F train isn’t running back into Manhattan on weekends right now. I’m not spending the rest of my day finding another train to take home; we weren’t married.

3. Head transplant.

4. I didn’t go to their eco-friendly scavenger hunt costume-required vampire-themed farm-to-table destination wedding. Well, I did, but I didn’t buy them something from the registry.

5. They changed the name of their band too many times.

6. We saw each other on the sidewalk and I started to wave, but then it looked like they weren’t going to wave so then I stopped.

7. They are an artisan and they used the word “artisan” to describe themselves in front of me.

8. When we were roommates I heard everything. And so did they.

9. We took a really long car trip together once, and the cassette deck kept spitting out the plastic tape part of my CD/iPod adapter. It felt like their car was rejecting me. Also, their radio antenna was broken, so we have literally met our lifetime conversation word limit and can never speak again.

10. They got really, really religious and that religion is something called “CrossFit”.

11. Their Facebook profile photo is a landscape and now I have forgotten what they look like and wouldn’t
know them if I saw them.

12. I technically still know her; I just don’t know how she does it.

13. They started using “we” instead of “I” when referring to themselves. They do it so consistently that now I’m no longer sure if they are in a relationship or have multiple personality disorder.

14. I’m suffering from acute selective memory loss brought on by embarrassment over a traumatic karaoke

15. They got that mask from Jim Carrey’s The Mask stuck to their face, and now they have to live in 1994.

16. I never recognize them anymore because they look so different after all that plastic surgery to fix their deviated nasal septum. Who knew that breasts had nasal septums?

17. Groucho glasses addiction.

18. They are brandishing a knife in my face and I’m banking on the fact that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.

19. Their catch up emails are always over the phone and sound suspiciously like drunk dials.

20. Their identity was stolen. So, while I still technically know them, the “them” I know is an identity thief.

21. Our late-night heart to heart turned into a fist-to-head.

22. I thought I knew them, but it turns out you can never really know anyone. So I don’t know them and if I don’t know them by now, I will never ever ever know them.

23. I got tired of lying about movies I’d seen in order to prevent them from verbally recounting entire plots for me, scene by scene, in order to make a reference.

24. They joined Anonymous and now nobody knows them.

25. You saw what knowing did to Nick Cage right? I’m trying to avoid a similar fate.

26. Either they became a professional mascot or have a very unique fetish, but regardless it’s very difficult to sustain a conversation with someone who has no official mouth.

27. They lost all their hair in a ponzi scheme.

28. While doing an interview for a controversial Dateline investigation their face got permanently pixilated after an extreme pixilation mishap.

29. They voted for someone in an American Idol competition. It’s not some kind of North pitted against South Civil War-style dispute because I didn’t want that person to win. It’s because they voted for someone in an American Idol competition.

30. I still know them, just not Biblically anymore.

31. Their new haircut makes them look exactly like a hole in the wall and now I can’t tell them apart, or even think of a better way to express this situation to people.

32. They wear fake eyelashes. And fake eyes.

33. Face tattoo.

34. NBC produced a The More You Know public service announcement about them, but it never aired because it featured the cast of Community and NBC just really can’t make up their minds about that show.

35. Something grew between us. That thing was their waxed handlebar moustache.

36. They don’t text. TC mark

image – Cardinal Playlists


More From Thought Catalog

  • Sophia

    please, for the love of good writing, can we stop with the lists

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667441091 Archita Trisal

      Or lists which are a multiple of 10? Anything else just bothers me :

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luan-Evert/100000983916816 Luan Evert

        Epicly funny!!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/robbykingsf Robby King

      I think they do it for the same reason McSweeney’s and Cracked does: it’s easy. 

      Well, easier, at least. 

      Rather than establish a setting, develop characters, set a mood, et. al., all a writer has to do is come up with an outline of topics to touch on and, well, post it as-is. 

      • Ted Pillow

        The reason many sites (and writers) do lists is less that it’s easy for them, and more that it’s easy for the reader. Which means they tend to be read and circulated more often. It’s kind of like why Dan Brown books have 100+ chapters.

      • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

        “No lists!” “This article is too long.” “Why is this piece too wordy?” 

        Not all TC articles can be bite-size and amazing. It’s like songs: each piece has its own rhythm. It’s up to each individual reader whether they want to dance to all of them or pick which ones they like best.

    • Anonymous

      I totally hear you but it’s not the writer’s faults what we do editorially. Please don’t take it out on them in the comments of their pieces. (Email an editor?) As for this one in particular, I thought these were all well-written jokes.

      • Jake

        Don’t you realize we have to read every single article posted on TC??? Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeee sssssssssssttttttttttooooooooooooppppppppppp mmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssss rrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd llllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssstts gaby pls

      • Anonymous

        I’m just your friendly liaison to the comments! I have no such powers. 

    • LP

      I like the lists :P I read blogs and websites such as this because I want to read things that are short and snappy and get to the point. If I wanted to read essays…well then I would peer edit my friends’ essays more often.

      • Sophia

        I guess I just miss the days when Thoughtcatalog used to actually be mostly essays. They were really beautiful, and always made me think and feel. This makes me feel nothing. I feel like it’s gone a bit downhill, which is sad.

  • Anonymous

    Crossfit is insanely intense.  As is “paleo,” the diet/lifestyle most Crossfitters take on.  I’ve lost many friends because of Crossfit…

    • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

      I know one person who does Crossfit, and she’s ALWAYS in workout clothes. Grocery store? Workout clothes. Bar? Workout clothes. Fancy restaurant? Fucking workout clothes.

      Is it some kind of cult?

      • Anonymous

        pretty much yea.  there’s a ton of research on it now that shows crossfit is extremely rough on the human body. 

        on another note, those people who always wear workout clothes make me giggle.  It’s almost like they are saying, “Look, I went to the gym today! How about you?”

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1306033657 Andrea Lynema

        My boyfriend trains crossfit. 

      • Anonymous


      • Ana Gaby Matz

        Instead of having a normal PE program in my high school we have CrossFit two times a week. We have to train CrossFit and then go to out normal schedule of after school activities, which are mostly sports. That means that we are in workout clothes three days a week. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506498512 Leah Cox

    13. Pretty much most of my mates.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1306033657 Andrea Lynema

    #6 is basically almost every relationship I’ve ever had… lol

    • GUESSED.

      that makes me :(

  • Guest

    I love the lists. And I also love CrossFit. And the part about CrossFit.

  • H Luu

    I have to save the rest of this for later. So funny!

  • Alicia

    please, for my love of lists, keep on keepin’ on with the lists

  • Melancholik

    I don’t know why but I find #11 so funny.

  • Michaelwg

    22. “I thought I knew them, but it turns out you can never really know anyone. So I don’t know them and if I don’t know them by now, I will never ever ever know them.”
    I had to go back and sing this one in the musical stylings of Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes. Which makes this the greatest 2 sentences in T.C history. 1 bajillion points.

  • guest

    best tc list ever

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