They warned me, doc. I have to admit that. It’s just that it was so alluring. My favorite color is gunmetal. So, I really couldn’t resist the magnetic energy of that gunmetal can with those hot magenta letters — or as some men might say, “That black can with those brown letters.” It was like suddenly being allowed to drink the logo of St. John’s University — a lifelong dream of mine. Well, it’s more reoccurring then lifelong, but still a dream. Actually, it’s more of a nightmare, in which I’m very thirsty after fleeing from a terrible Red Storm.
Back to the reason for my visit, I really wasn’t thinking. I should have listened to the warnings in the commercial that explicitly stated this product wasn’t for me. The slogan is “not for women,” for god sakes! I thought it was just a witty and super cool marketing campaign — you know, the kind that never backfires? How was I to know they were serious? It should have been clearer; there wasn’t a single caution on the packaging. How many surgeons general does it take to make a warning label?
After viewing the commercials, I saw it on my co-worker Roy’s desk and I took a sip while he was in the restroom. Looking back, I guess I just wanted too many things. Too many bold tasting calories, ten to be exact. Ten? Ten! Oh god the hubris, I make literally ten percent of the testosterone Roy makes, and seventy percent of his salary. I couldn’t handle this whole thing; my body isn’t built for it. I’m a woman; I’ve only technically had a prostate since 2002!
At first I didn’t have any side effects, but that only encouraged me. Hindsight is 20/ 20 (though maybe less as my distance vision suffers from my lack of Y-chromosomal hunter-gatherer ancestry). So now, of course, I see that I should have probably known something was off. Suddenly, I gained an interest in Bazookas, eye black and smelling like the woods. I quit my job and launched a fantasy team for literally every sport, and not just by whimsically picking the teams colors — I truly cared! And I was unstoppable. My March Madness bracket is so good it went sane. I’ve already won three pools and most of the rounds haven’t been played yet.
For a while, I chalked it up to expanding my horizons until the beginning of my… physical symptoms appeared. I showed it to my primary care physician and he told me to come see you right away. It makes sense, seeing as you are the expert on this stuff. However, it was kind of a pain because, not to complain but, you don’t even participate with my insurance plan as you are technically a soda. Thanks, Obamacare.
As for my condition, I’m not sure what exactly you’d call it. When I looked it up on WebMD some people were saying different things. “Sudden-onset penis?” “Auto-penis?” “Inverted and descended bellybutton that urinates?” “Beverage-induced Ladydick?” Whatever it is, I need your help, Dr. Pepper. Twenty-three flavors are simply not worth this price.